If it Comes in Threes... I listen

"Be kinder than necessary- for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle"

This is a quote that I have run across 3 times in the last 24 hours.  Once on Facebook, once in an email,  and once on a blog I was reading tonight.  If I come across something twice I tend to think it's a coincidence, but when I hear something 3 times in 24 hours from different places, I stop to think about it., ponder it, and ask what's in it that I need to hear.  

Okay... ugly honest here... when I first read it my instant reaction... "yeah whatever".  Second time... "you have got to be kidding me, no one has battles unseen like I do..." and third time..."okay Lord, I'm listening."

You see, this week I have been on the fence with the whole Facebook thing again.  Keep it, or shut it down.... I have always kind of  been the person that tends to think the whole world has it easier, better, and less complicated than I do.... I know.... blah, blah, blah... cry me a river... Hey... I said ugly honest! And...  Facebook tends to affirm that.  Everyone is so stinking happy, has perfect kids, makes beautiful memories all the time, is always in love with their spouses, going on vacations, looking adorable, and pretty much living perfect lives that mine can just never come close to being like.  Bottom line, I can get VERY depressed when I'm on Facebook.  So... I go through this ever so often when I think... okay... I'm done.  My heart just can't take it... this isn't good for me.

Grant it, there are times when I read things on Facebook, tragedies usually, that make me overwhelmingly grateful for everything in my life.  Unfortunately, I tend to lean towards seeing what everyone has going for them and where I feel like I fall so short.

Have you ever noticed that when the comparison games start, we always compare up?  The person that went on a vacation we can never afford, the parents who can give their kids things I can't give mine, the home someone has that I will never come close to having.  We don't usually think about the people who have less than us and are thinking the same thing about my life... wishing for it... or should I say, coveting it.   If that was my mind set, I would be a lot more grateful than I am.

Okay... back to the quote... (btw, I have no idea who said it... none of my sources actually put who it was by... they may be a whackadoodle for all I know... but I still believe there's some truth here.)

Everyone is fighting some kind of battle.  I think this is true.  Some hide it better, maybe even using tools like Facebook to hide the battles, some have hurts that they have no idea how to put into words, something wrong but what is it?  Not everyone is comfortable with the level of "sharing" that I am... just because they don't put it out there, doesn't mean they aren't hurting and struggling.  Honestly, I wish people would be more up front with the battles in their lives as much as they are about the victories... I think it would help people to feel a bit less isolated and alone in their "stuff" knowing they aren't alone.  I'm not saying FB is where that should necessarily happen... and  Hey... don't get me wrong... I know it's vulnerable.  Do you know how many sentences in this blog post alone I have taken out or re-edited?

I will say this... I have lived both ways... open and honest and alone and isolated.  I will always fight for open and honest.  And, in my journey towards connection I will remember that everyone has their battles, their Everests to climb ... and I need to offer up more kindness and more empathy.   Oh... and for now... stay on Facebook.

Hope in Darkness

A PRAYER BY MAX LUCADO 12-15-2012

"Dear Jesus,

It's a good thing you were born at night. This world sure seems dark. I have a good eye for silver linings. But they seem dimmer lately.

These killings, Lord. These children, Lord. Innocence violated. Raw evil demonstrated.

The whole world seems on edge. Trigger-happy. Ticked off. We hear threats of chemical weapons and nuclear bombs. Are we one button-push awa

y from annihilation?

Your world seems a bit darker this Christmas. But you were born in the dark, right? You came at night. The shepherds were nightshift workers. The Wise Men followed a star. Your first cries were heard in the shadows. To see your face, Mary and Joseph needed a candle flame. It was dark. Dark with Herod's jealousy. Dark with Roman oppression. Dark with poverty. Dark with violence.

Herod went on a rampage, killing babies. Joseph took you and your mom into Egypt. You were an immigrant before you were a Nazarene.

Oh, Lord Jesus, you entered the dark world of your day. Won't you enter ours? We are weary of bloodshed. We, like the wise men, are looking for a star. We, like the shepherds, are kneeling at a manger.

This Christmas, we ask you, heal us, help us, be born anew in us.

Hopefully,

Your Children"

There have been many things posted on Facebook in the last 24 hours.  There are parents who are grieving with the families in Connecticut, there is a huge debate regarding gun control, for and against;  there are people asking how evil things are allowed to happen... so much being said.  This prayer by author Max Lucado has been the best thing I have read, a check back into reality from this nightmare our country is in.  In the midst of darkness our God IS here.  Jesus began his human journey born into a time when evil was the norm.  When King Herod, in an attempt to murder the Messiah ordered all baby boys murdered.  Hundreds, maybe thousands of babies murdered in their Mothers arms because of evil.  Darkness is here, but so is hope.

I often realize that my vision of the manger scene includes Frank Sinatra's version of "Silent Night".  Not exactly how it happened.  Darkness and fear were all around that night.  Shepherds were heralded by angels and they were "so afraid".  Joseph and Mary were alone, scared... Mary was 13... my Abbeys age.  This was not a covered-in-glitter-with-Christmas-music-playing moment.  It was however, filled with hope and joy.  When the Shepherds found the baby, when the Wisemen worshiped, as Mary and Joseph looked into the scrunched up face of their new baby boy, knowing this was also their Savior.  Jesus was there in the midst of darkness.  

So when my girls ask me like they did yesterday... how does God let this happen?  How do I answer them?  Until heaven, God's perfect love lives in us while we live in a world filled with evil.  We are in a battle... it would seem that the enemy gained ground yesterday.  That is not the end of the story.  The victory will be won, yesterday will be set right.  In Satan's attempt at spreading evil he succeeded in adding 20 little souls to the hosts of heaven.  The pain and evil that the families are left to deal with is excruciating.  Darkness is here... but so is hope... this will be set right one day... the battle is not over. Darkness is here, but so is the King of Kings, the hope that is all I can cling to.

Happy Birthday Wendy!

I was just getting ready to post a Happy Birthday message to one of my best friends in the world and decided that a Facebook Status just didn't give me enough room... I needed more space.  So, here I am... at 12:30am with plenty of space at 4 Drama Girls and a Daddy :)

I met Wendy, in person, January of 2001.  Unbeknownst to me at the time I had actually met her via email when I had sent an email to the MOPS group in Santa Rosa while we lived in Napa.  I had poured out my "lonely Mama of three girls under the age of 2 and needs some girl time" story to a strange email address on the website and Wendy was the one who had responded.  This, we actually didn't figure out until a few months into our friendship.

When I first met Wendy she told me I smelled good.  I was filling out my registration at the MOPS group (for those who don't know, MOPS stands for Mothers Of Preschoolers) and she randomly told me I smelled good.  We shared the same love of Sunflowers perfume.

Some how Wendy and I got together for a play date with our kids.  Hers were 9, 7, 5 and almost 3.  The twins were almost 4 and Abbey was 2.   I knew right away Wendy was someone I could be good friends with.

First of all, we parented very similarly... something that makes a friendship with small kids a bit easier.  We had a lot of same interests, although she informed me early on that  she was NOT a crafter... and Wendy... well... Wendy made me smile.  She laughed at my sense of humor all the time.  The first few play dates we had, I seriously had thoughts of being a stand up comic, she made me feel like I was hilarious.  To this day, I love to make Wendy laugh, and we have had plenty of that in our friendship.

Before long, we talked on the phone every day and hung out as much as we could.  Within a year we were camping and traveling with our families and our girls were best friends.  Her house was like home to me unlike any friend I had ever had.

We have been through a lot together.  Summers at Wrights Lake, Winters in Tahoe, laughing so hard in the movie theaters we pee our pants(almost), Halloweens with our kids dressed up, Christmas Eves, Trunk or Treats, July 4th BBQ's and fireworks that night,  Sports Camps, 2 surgeries, a few trips to the emergency rooms, tough times with our marriages, tough times with our kids, job losses, new jobs, new seasons of life, more Nerts and Speed than you can imagine, weight losses, weight gains, Black Fridays, Chili's for dinner and lunch (thus the whole weight loss and gain thing) tears, laughter, and to top it off... a few farts along the way.

She has been my friend through some of the darkest valleys of my life, she has cleaned my house, done my laundry and held my hand.  I will never be able to live up to the bar she has set for friendship.

One of the hardest parts of leaving Santa Rosa was my friend.  I have shed many tears in the last 18 months over Wendy.  I miss our everyday life together.  I miss a friend who gets me... all of me.  Who knows me almost as well as my husband does.  I miss the laughter.  I miss seeing her kids growing into adults... I just miss her.

Wendy's birthday is December 11th... it's taken me years not to think it's the 13th or 15th.  How I was given the blessing of being her best friend, I will never know... I feel very undeserving of it. 

I hope she knows how much she means to me.  I hope she knows I am NEVER going anywhere.  I hope she knows she is a once in a lifetime friend, and I hope, Wendy, you know how much I love you!

December 7th... It's been 29 years...

Sometimes things happen in your life that change it forever.  I'm not talking about changes that tweak your path, but the ones that pick you up from one road and place you on an entirely different one. 

 

December 7th is one of those days.  For some who don't know my entire family history, 29 years ago today my 6 year old brother Michael went ahead of our family to be with Jesus.  After a painful struggle with bone cancer, on a Wednesday night, with my Dad praying over him, and my Mom and I there as well, he took his last struggling breath and was, I believe, carried away to heaven in the arms of Jesus.

Several things I remember clearly about that night.

I remember his last breath and the silence that followed.  My Dad looked up and said, "He's gone..."

I remember the tears that started all throughout our house and my Mom telling us to keep our voices down because the doctor had told her that a persons hearing is the last thing to go. (Maybe in the medical world, but in my world, I believe it was a swift lift into eternity.)

I remember our pastor reading us scripture about death.

I remember my Mom hugging my brother because she had not been able to hold him tightly for some time.

I remember laying on our friend Brenda's lap while she played with my hair.

I remember Michael's body being removed from our home.

And, I remember that after I went to bed that night, I woke up all night, crawled to the end of my bed to look across the hall into Michael's room to see if it was all just a bad dream.

My parents had been through a tough fight with this disease that took my little brother... and now it was over.

For me, there was a sense of feeling very lost.  For a long time our family was defined by our having a terminally ill child in it and all that it entails.  It felt like, "okay... now what do we do, and who are we?"  We don't have trips to Portland to make, no more of my Mom being gone all the time.  No medical paraphernalia to fill our house with.  What happens next?

This is where the path change happened.

  

Within a couple years, we had moved to California.  We left what felt like our entire support system behind and moved to a town I had never heard of, to a bunch of people who didn't know what we had been through.

Our family had been girl, boy, girl... Laura, Michael and Amanda.

Now it would be girl, girl, boy, boy.... Laura, Amanda, Darren and David.

To the heart of a young girl this is a lot to take in during those early years of tweendom and teenage years.  Lost actually doesn't begin to cover all the things I felt during this time.  

However, 29 years later, I have a different perspective on the path that was changed for us.  

Because of Michael's death we moved to California and gained an entire new community of friends.  These are the friends I went through Jr. High and High school with.  This was the community that I found my husband in, got married, and had 3 girls in.  This is where my sister grew up and had her sweet little Lucas.

Because of Michael's death, my parents decided to have more children.  Darren and David would not be a part of our family had Michael not died.  My sister in laws Holly and Sarah would be strangers to us, and my nephews DJ, Jared and Jax would not be.

Even though Michael was taken, much has been given since.  The memories I have of my brother are written on my heart along with another life that would have been much different.

I am so thankful for the life that God brought out of that tragedy... for the lives that exist today.  

Someday, my brother will meet all this nieces and nephews and the two brothers he never knew.  Someday, eternity will hold my entire family in it's hands, we will all be reunited.  This journey here will be just a small blip in time.  Until then I am grateful for the path that God gave our family and people and places it has taken me.  I am grateful for the 6 years He gave us with Michael and I am thankful that I have a brother waiting for me in heaven.   

Sometimes life changes and it's easy to see in the moment all that we have lost,  but we must always remember that our Father in heaven has good things for us.  We are safe on His path for us.  We can trust that path, even in the dark valleys.  Beauty from Ashes... that's part of His promise.

Sister Love

Olivia went grocery shopping with me tonight... I truly despise grocery shopping, especially when I am tired and it needs to be done.  I almost always take one of my girls, tonight it was Olivia.
As we were walking through our last stop at Safeway we were talking about her relationship with Makayla and she told me I didn't understand how much she loved Makayla, how Makayla feels like her "other half" at times... she said, "Mom... you don't Understand..." 
I looked over at her after a long pause... she had tears in her eyes and kind of chuckled.  Not looking at me she said, "Mom, don't look at me or I will just start crying right here."
I asked her, "what is it Livie?"
To which she replied, "You just don't understand Mom... I don't know what I would do without Makayla, I love her so much, thinking about something happening to her... I just don't know how I would go on..."
Yes my sweet girl, I understand that feeling very much.

Not a God of Confusion

My Mom has told me, since I was young, that when something seems confusing or clouded I should always remember that the Lord is not the author of confusion.  There have been days in my life when knowing this has been an anchor to what's real, an anchor to knowing Truth from lies.
Today has been one of those days.

Most of my close friends and family know that since Abbey was born, I have struggled with depression.  It started about 3 weeks after she was born and I fought all advice to call my doctor.  Still to this day, I wonder about this.  It seems to be very common in people who struggle with depression, this lack of desire to seek any medical help.  Maybe it's embarrassing,  maybe it's pride; for me, I think it was shame... depression makes me feel so broken.  I felt like a spiritual failure to allow this dark enemy to overtake me. I thought it was because I was giving into it, or that I just wasn't choosing to keep my mind on the right things.

Eventually I did go see my doctor and she put me on antidepressants to help me "get through" the darkness.
Looking back on that time, I see it as difficult, but I also remember it as a time when I felt so loved by my friends at church.  I had friends bring me meals, clean my house, play with the twins, or just come and sit with me during the day.  When I think back on it, I see a picture of Jesus letting me know there was no reason to feel shame by sending me angels to love on me in the exact ways I needed it.

This post-baby depression ended up being something that stuck with me.  Although I have attempted to wean myself from my medication a few times over the years, for the most part, I have been on them for 13 years.  I have been prayed over, prayed for, and in the low times, have begged God to take it from me; so far that has not happened.  

Until the move to Chico, the struggle with depression has not been too difficult.  Sure every once in a while I had to have a slight tweak or a small change; but, for the most part... it really hasn't been too bad.  Until this year that is.

When you go in to have an evaluation done for depression they ask a series of questions, almost rating what your stress level is.  There are certain stressers in life that are high scorers ( some even "good" things)  They include marriage, death, divorce, new baby, new job, new move, new home, loss of job ect.  In the last 18 months we have had multiple things from this category in our life.  We both lost our jobs, moved to a new community, started new jobs, started homeschooling and those are just the biggies.

Please, don't hear me crying a river here... I know this happens to people ALL THE TIME.  This is life... it just affects someone with depression differently than the average person.  All of a sudden a brain that had found a rhythm and balance is on overload and that can lead to full blown depression.

So... I have found myself, after quite sometime of seemingly having this thing figured out, struggling once again.  I know it has to do with all the change from the last year, all the new and different that has been thrown at Chris, myself, and the girls... some days it's extremely overwhelming and at times even paralyzing.  I haven't figured out where these dark days come from although I do have an idea.

As one such day swept in on me today I have found myself once again clinging to the anchor my Mom gave me years ago.  I have struggled today with understanding it all.  Why is this happening again?  Haven't I been trying to be around people enough?  I am in a bible study now aren't I?  Church has been wonderful, great worship, great messages, spirit filled... check, check, check.  It just doesn't make sense....

Then out of this raging storm I sea the anchor go sailing into the air, sink to the bottom and grab tight to the rock.  God is not the author of confusion... quit asking all these things and ride out the storm.  

Truth is... He calms my seas.
Truth is... He has never left me or forsaken me.
Truth is... it's okay to not feel okay today.
Truth is... I am not alone
Truth is... today... I am clinging to these truths.

1 Corinthians 14:33
For God is not a God of confusion but of peace

Hebrews 13:5b
For He has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” 

Psalm 18:6
In my distress I called upon the LORD; to my God I cried for help. From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ears.

For the Love of Weather

The weather has finally changed here in Chico; home of the heat stroke, sun burn and sun poisoning!   I think I have just lived through the longest stretch of hot weather I have ever experienced in my life.  Although this might be slightly exaggerated, it feels as if it's been in the 90's since April.  

When we lived up in the Northwest, close to Seattle, I had never met people who were as excited when the sun peaked through than those Northwesterners.  True Sun Worship at it's finest.  If it was 60 degrees but sunny, the swim suits and flip flops came out!

Chico seems to be opposite.  I don't think I have ever been a part of a community more excited for rain and cold weather.  The last two days have been over cast with sprinkles and we have even had "Tornado Warnings!"  Let me just put it out there that the "Tornado" clouds I saw looked more like vertical clouds than Tornados, but by all means... send out the weather warnings!  Yesterday, as I was running errands I saw about 6 women dressed in jeans, uggs, sweaters and scarves... we're talking shopping in New York City in the middle of winter outfits.  It was 67 degrees... with no precipitation!  

These people  are naming it and claiming it!  We skipped right through Autumn and went straight to Minnesota winters! I can personally tell you of about 8 people who "wore cozy socks and drank hot chocolate" in the last couple of days.  How do I know this?  Their facebook status' tell me so!  These Chicoans are hard core about getting their winter on!

And I couldn't agree more.  

If sending my children in the back yard to do the Indian rain dance would keep this weather around, they'd be out there sporting their deer skins. 

We have a fire in the wood stove, hot chocolate with mounds of whip cream, soup for lunch and 4 pairs of fuzzy socks on.  We completely embrace the winter crazies.

Tomorrows forecast.... clear, sunny and 70... oh well... we will take it while it lasts!

Looking forward to "Lasterday"

So far, on my side of the family, God has blessed my Mom and Dad with 3 Granddaughters and 4 Grandsons.  All of the Granddaughters have the last name Thompson.  This leaves me with all nephews.  Each of these precious little guys hold special places in "Auntie Lou's" heart.

My oldest nephew DJ is almost 7 and he is a spitting image of my brother, he's my only nephew with dark hair and big blue eyes.  When I think of DJ, I see a picture that I took of him while he was potty training.  We were at the duck park and he went behind a tree to have a "private" moment; I walked over and he stuck his head out and gave me the sweetest little smile that said, "uhhh.... I think I pooped my pants!" I of course snapped a picture.  It was hilarious.

His little brother Jared is a miniature version of my sister in laws brother.  He is the most beautiful little boy.  Big brown eyes and golden blonde hair.  Think 4 year old surfer dude.  He was born while my brother was in Iraq; all of us waited in the waiting room for him to be born with  bittersweet emotions because my brother couldn't be there and my sweet sister in law was laboring without her husband.  

Both of these little guys live in Southern California so Auntie Lou doesn't get to see them like she wishes she could.  They still hold pieces of her heart.

My youngest brother and his wife had their first baby about 5 months ago.  I have spent one weekend with this little guy because he lives in Colorado.  His name is Jax... he is the most adorable toe head, blue eyed, happy little baby....there will never be enough time to kiss and squeeze this little guy as much as I would like.  His Mommy sends pictures almost every day and there are times I see his sweet smile and ache to hold and love on him.  Oh... and he smells marvelous!

This brings me to the little guy that made me want to write this post.  My little nephew Lucas.  He is almost 4.  When he was born, I had the privilege of being with my sister for his birth.  Front row seat... I held my sisters leg  (TMI???).  He came out the spitting image of my Dad...except the fact that his head was shaped like a football.  My sister is a single Mom, besides the help of my Mom and Dad and family that loves her, she has done this all by herself.  I am beyond proud of the Mommy she is.

Luke doesn't give hugs really freely, and no matter how many times I see him, he is always a little shy when he first sees me... however, he always gives me my hello and goodbye loves.  

He surprised me today and came to see me.  When I saw that little guy with his back pack jump out of car to show me he was here, the feeling I felt in that moment was pure joy.  He does that to his Auntie Lou.

Then today, as he was getting ready to leave, I pulled him on my lap and told him I didn't want him to go because I was going to miss him so much.  He replied, "That's okay Auntie Lou... I will see you 'lasterday'".  I think he meant to say... we will meet again! :)  

This little guy tugs at his Auntie's heart and makes me long for lasterday... and all the lasterdays when I get to see any or all of my precious, sweet nephews!

Perceived Rejection

Do you know what perceived rejection is?  I didn't know until about six years ago... and let me tell you... it's not good.  It's that rejection you just know someone is sending your way.  Not because of something they directly said to you, usually it's what they didn't say.  Not because of a nasty look they gave you, usually it's from a look of indifference. When you make yourself vulnerable to someone and they aren't comfortable with what you are sharing.  They don't come out and tell you, but you feel them pull away. You know you hear them saying... "you're too much... or you're not enough."
It's the rejection that we surmise in our heads and hearts without any concrete evidence... and can I just say... IT SUCKS!
I have struggled for most of my life with perceived rejection.  Every difficult moment I have with a relationship I care about ends with me battling against MSU (making stuff up) in my mind and heart.  Fighting against the agreements my mind wants to make.  Most of which I might add, are a big fat lie!  Straight from an enemy who comes to lie, steal and destroy; and if he can do that by building up scenarios of rejection in my mind... he's gonna do it.  ARG!  That makes me so mad!  I know better! I know when I hear a voice that isn't from my Father in Heaven so why do I let this bring me down?
I long for a day when my identity if so deeply rooted in my Father that MSU doesn't happen anymore because others acceptance of me pales in comparison.

I know who my Maker is.
He is the creator of Heaven and earth.
He has made with a unique set of gifts and talents that are custom made!
He looks at me and adores what He sees.
He woo's me with His unfailing love and devotion.
There is no safer place for my heart or my identity than in His hands.
This is truth!
This is what I make a choice to believe!

God's Plans Vs. My plans

I talked to a dear, new friend today and she reminded me, or perhaps confirmed for me something that the Lord has been showing me... our plans are not always Gods and although hindsight it wonderful, in the midst of it, I tend to find my faith lacking.
This has hit me in two ways this last week. Four years ago, before I started teaching theater, I had a summer to get ready for my new job.  There was a moment that summer, sometime in July where I completely panicked.  I thought, "what the heck am I doing?" I cannot teach this.  Do I love it? yes, but I cannot do this!  Chris even told me that if I was having doubts there was no shame in saying it was too much for me.  I decided to fast and pray for a week.  By the end of that week I had a confidence that could only come from the Lord, I knew that I was right where He wanted and needed me and I was going to be okay.
That fall when I directed my first play I knew I had found what my heart seemed to be created to do... I was completely in love with teaching theater.
When Chris and I lost our jobs at Santa Rosa Christian, I didn't understand what the Lord was doing but I trusted that if He had begun this passion for teaching theater in my heart, He would find a way to keep it going.  I assumed this meant finding another teaching position.  After trips to Colorado and Texas looking for jobs and researching theater programs all over I was extremely disappointed to stay in Chico and have no where to teach.
Last December when Makayla earned the roll of Peter in "Peter Pan" it was with a brand new theater company here in Chico, I watched through the production of Peter  Pan and observed the leaders Makayla was working with.  I came to realize that I couldn't have asked for a better group of people, or more wonderful experience for my kids in theater.
Now, almost a year later, doors have opened for me to be able to a part of this wonderful theater group.  They have ministered in amazing ways to all of the girls and I have found a way to continue this passion and love that God has put in my heart for being a part of theater with kids.
When we had to stay in Chico, I was very confused as to what the Lord was doing.  Why did He start this new thing in me and then leave me with no where to use it?  I spent a few months pretty upset with the Lord. I know now that this was all part of His plan for me and our family.
The second thing is that coming to Chico, I left some of the most amazing friends I have ever had in my life behind.  The first year was beyond lonely.  God created me to be a very relational person.  I love people, I thrive on community and being in deep relationships with people and here I was in the loneliest place I had ever been.  Why did God create me this way and then seem to not notice that I was desperately lonely?  No matter how hard I tried, I met no one my own age, no one who seemed to want to get to know me or who needed a friendship with someone new.
In our theater group I have met some of the sweetest, funnest gals.  They are all single and in their twenties and they have breathed life into me that they can't even begin to imagine.  I have been looking for a certain type of friendship and God has brought me what I truly needed.... even unbeknownst to me. They have brought so much laughter and joy into these last few weeks and they were totally not what I expected.

Sometimes our greatest plans are not even close to what God has for us and they are usually far more than we can even imagine!

They Still Say the Darndest Things!

So today during our home school day the twins both said things that cracked me up... maybe it's just me because I tend to look at them and see three year olds with pigtails and it melts me.
First up today was Olivia.  She was presenting us with a powerpoint that she put together on the San Francisco Earthquake of 1906... I think that was the year ;) I should have listened better!
It had great information, fantastic pictures, and I could tell she really knew her subject.
She had music going with the slides and at the end I questioned her on her music choice.  You see, her music sounded like something you would hear in a sad part of Memoirs of a Geisha, or the Last Samurai... needless to say it had a strong oriental sound to it.  Makayla wanted to know what had caused her to chose the music... her answer?  "Well... since most of San Fransico is chinese, it seemed like it worked..." Totally straight faced, serious answer here.  I almost spit my diet pepsi through my nose as I replied... "Not in 1906!"
Then this afternoon as Makayla was reading us part of her decade summary for 1900-1910 she used the term, "Up, up and away" when she was writing about the Wright brothers.  Olivia kind of chuckled at her and Makayla stopped and said, "Duh... they invented the airplane, I'm sure they said Up, up and away!" Again... totally serious here...
Sometimes those girls are still so stinking cute... even at 15 ;)

I Have a Friend!

So, I just posted about our hard weekend and I am thinking to myself... gosh! Share the good stuff.  So here it is.
I had three social outings with friends this week!!! That's right 3!!!
I had lunch with a friend on thursday, dinner with one family on Saturday and a BBQ with another family today... that's right baby... 3 things on my calendar!!!!
First dinner invites since we moved to Chico and we get 2 in a weekend.  They both were great and I am thanking the Lord for the glimmers of hope that one day we will feel connected here in Chico.
As we were at our friends house today I was seriously going throughout the day with this little, "I have a friend, I have a friend" cheer going on in my mind... I know... I'm 10 ;)  But can I say... it felt awesome!
I have a friend!

Degree in Parenting

Sometimes I really wish I had a degree in parenting.  If not a four year degree, at least my Associates.  Tonight I feel wiped out and I have that "what just happened?"  You know... parental amnesia.  I know I lived the last 3 days but my mind is just a blur of moments and memories.  This may be estrogen overload... or possibly estrogen anaphylactic shock... the jury is still out on it... let's just say I am ready for a NEW week.  Friday started with us waiting by the computer for the Oliver cast to be posted.  When I say waiting, I really wish I meant figuratively... that just wouldn't be honest.  At almost 11pm, it finally went up and all of the Thompson's were in!  However, 11pm was when the long conversation about the tough stuff in life and what the real definition of "worth" really means.  This conversation seems to have played into most of the weekend.  Don't get me wrong, there have been great conversations, heart felt talks, and I believe even some healing that has happened in my girls; I just find myself, here on Monday night feeling once again like such a novice, such a newbie in parenting.  

The girls, especially the twins, ask me every so often what my biggest fear is when it comes to being a Mom.  I am not sure why they ask me this because my answer is always the same; that they chose to not follow the Lord when they grow up.  Bad decisions, mistakes, and all kinds of things can go wrong, but if they cling to the Lord through it all... none of it scares me.  I am learning as they get older and older how little control I have in this... responsibility yes, control... not at all!  Only they can chose to be soft to the Holy Spirit, only they can chose the condition of their heart.  I can't make them be teachable, or introspective, or selfless, or eternal thinkers.  Sadly, I am finding out that this is kind of hard for me, this lack of control over their hearts and minds.  They must make their choices each day to follow the Lord or not, I simply cannot do it for them.  

As I look back on this weekend in light of all that, and how tired I feel from it all, the Lord is tapping me on the shoulder and showing me how it is less about the events of the weekend and more about my fighting to hold onto control.  He is telling me to Trust Him with their hearts, trust the Holy  Spirit to speak to them... I do believe they hear Him.

You know... this would have been a really great class to take when earning that degree in parenting.

Who That Prayer was Really For

Sometimes... in a house with ALOT of estrogen... Chris and I find ourselves going from one emotional conversation to the next.  Right when one daughter seems to be coming out of something that was tough, the next one is hot on her tails.  This week has been no different... in fact it's what I would call an "overlap week".  In other words... no breaks in between emotional crisis.
Something we are finding out as well is that these talks are usually needed somewhere around 10 and 11pm; right when Daddy is thinking about his 5am alarm clock.  So tonight at precisely 10:37 the need arose and my wonderful hubby was once again up to the task.  (i'll tell you one thing... it takes a special man to be there for 4 females... just sayin)
One of the girls was once again at a low point over our move here to Chico and her difficulty in feeling at home here.  They all want to make friends so badly and the amount of time it takes to do it is not always easy.  Chris began talking to her about God's plan for her and the fact that we don't always see in the here and now why things happen... like moving to Chico.  He told her that God loves her soooo much and has her best interest at heart.  I then chimed in with "Do you believe that?  Do you believe God wants the very best for you?"  Wait!  who am I talking to here?  My daughter? or was that God asking ME that question?  It was one of those moments when we say what needs to be said... we speak the truth, but inside we are struggling with the exact same thing.  Do you believe it Laura?  I believe it for my daughter... but why is it hard to believe for myself?  I think this is a trust issue for me... I don't completely trust God's heart towards me... heck... lately I have been struggling with that old feeling that seems I will struggle with for the rest of my life... Does He even see me?
I know he does... He promises it over and over.
As Chris began to pray out loud for her at the end of our conversation, the prayer seemed to be for me in that moment.  "Help her to feel your presence... Help her to know you care even about the small stuff.... Help her to trust you with everything."  Great huh?  Here Chris was praying for my daughter and I kept putting my name in there... you know what though?  I think it's okay... no, I know it's okay.  That prayer was just as much for me tonight.  The words I spoke to her were meant for me as well.  Do I trust in God's heart for me?  After tonight I'm thinking... absolutely!

Itchin and Paintin

Here in the Thompson house we are going into our 3rd week of scratching.  Poor Olivia has had a horrible case of poison oak and an allergic reaction to Amoxicillin.  After finally getting on Prednisone (isn't THAT a fun medication) her poison oak started getting better but she was also put on antibiotics that she had an allergic reaction to and is covered, head to toe in hives.  Poor thing has had a rough couple of weeks.  We attempted to go camping with Grammie and had to come home early because she was miserable.

So... this weekend I have attempted a couple projects around the house... first I painted a really ugly step that is at our sliiding glass door to the backyard... then I sewed a cover for my sewing maching... I was happy with how they turned out....here are my final results....

First Midnight Showing

Well, last night was the first midnight showing of a movie that I have ever attended.  In the moment I thought, "we are so doing this again!"  It really was fun.  Never mind that we had to buy our tickets a week early... no big deal.  Or, that we stood in line for 5 and a half hours... some people were there for 12 hours... it really was a fun thing to do with the twins.
They were going with some friends who were all dressing up in various Batman costumes.  Everything from the main man himself, Robin, The Joker, Poison Ivy, the Bat Mobile... you name it, it was there.  Livie made herself a cute Batman shirt complete with yellow ribbons and black and yellow nail polish.  I thought she looked adorable.  Makayla was head to toe Cat woman... she totally looked the part!
We ate Taco Bell in line, brought our blanket to play games on and took a ton of pictures.  The hours actually went by pretty quickly and by the time they opened the doors, we were pretty excited for the movie to start.
It didn't disappoint at all!  We LOVED IT!  I left the theater at 3:15 am thinking it had been a pretty awesome night... even if I suddenly felt very old and tired.
We pulled into home afraid we weren't going to be able to sleep we were so pumped from the movie.  As we pulled in, I saw something on the driveway... broken glass EVERYWHERE... someone had busted out the window in the back of our minivan.  The girls and I were totally creeped out, afraid that maybe someone was still in the area.  I got the house key ready and we all bolted from the car and flew to the front door.  Five minutes later I was on the phone with the police and Chris was out front, flash light in hand to survey the damage and see if anything had gotten stolen.
I was slightly ticked to find out that unless our "identity" had somehow been stolen from the van, the police would just take a report over the phone... what??? this is crazy!  We had the rock in the back of the van... couldn't they fingerprint it or something... apparently, our small vandalism, no matter how financially difficult this was going to be for us, was really of little importance to the police department... I felt hurt, angry, and furious at the injustice of it all.
It took me until 4:30 to go to bed from the adrenalin rush of the entire evening and the sleep I did get wasn't great.
I awoke this morning to a jolt in perspective.  My injustice all of a sudden seemed like nothing... so much that I found myself feeling grateful for it.  How could I compare my window repair to 12 lives lost at another Batman premiere?  People who had started out their evening in probably a very similar way that we had, but ended it much differently.  Fathers, mothers, husbands and children had their lives completely altered at their Batman premier... the movie will never hold anything but horrifying memories for them... I had been so butt hurt last night that our vandalism had put such a damper on the evening... how pathetic it seemed watching the morning news.
I have a small bill to pay that was completely not my fault... a mother in Colorado will never have a chance to go to another premier with her child.  In some ways it hit close to home.  Innocent people doing exactly what we were doing last night... we were even in theater 9 in our theater...
As I have watched the news all day I have felt heart broken at how the news tries so hard to make sense of something that has no sense.  How do you make sense of such horrid evil?  You don't.  I am thankful tonight for my girls, that our memories are still playing out, and I pray for the families in Colorado... my heart breaks for them tonight.

Where's my Motivation

Usually when I think about motivation I think of scenarios that involve getting myself up and going.  Maybe it's my house that needs cleaning, my laundry that needs doing, my body that needs exercising... you know, the whole "I've got to find my mojo" kind of thing.  

Today however, Chris brought up a new way of thinking about motivation in life.  

Chris is in a leadership training program at work, and so far has really enjoyed it.  Today they talked about goals; setting goals, sticking with goals, realizing goals, failing at them and why all these things happen.  Pretty interesting stuff. They gave 3 different things that you must have when setting and achieving a goal: Motivation for setting it, tracking your goal (hello Weight Watchers!) and I think the 3rd was reward but I can't remember for sure.  Chris and I talked about the motivation one and that's what has gotten me thinking all night.

There have been things in life that I have set out to do and have done... a few things very good I might add.  When I look at those things I am sorry to say that I can see a common denominator in most of those... fear.

I know... something like perseverance, faith, trust, love of my family ect.  would have sounded so much better.  Unfortunately, I am very often  motivated by fear.  Afraid of not being accepted if I don't do a good job, afraid of people not liking me, afraid of losing someone's approval of me, the list goes on.   Sadly, I can even see areas of parenting where I have made decisions based out of my own fears and maybe not the best decision I could have made.

So tonight I ask myself, where does that leave me?  

I keep coming back to trying to figure out where the Lord would want my motivation in life to come from.  It's not from my desire to be a good wife, a good parent, a good daughter or a great friend. My motivation in life can't even come from my desire to be a good Christian.  My motivation can come only from the Love I experience from my Father in Heaven and my desire to honor him in all I do.  In all else, fear easily gets entangled, but in His love... there is no fear.

So tonight I pray that I will be good wife, mother, daughter, friend, and follower of Jesus Christ because He loves ME and because I want my hearts desire to be honoring Him.  That takes so much pressure and anxiety off of me.  Honoring Him with my talents and gifts is what I want to motivate me in every endeavor or goal I set in life.  I have a sense of new found freedom in this... I want to live in that place. Lord, help me live there.

1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. 

New Phase, New Mommy

I don't know if all parents feel this way, but I still often get the feeling that I first had when I was a brand new Mom.  You know the feeling.  That sense of, "Okay... now what?"  Bringing the baby home from the hospital and trying to figure out how you shower with a newborn, what you do if your baby is sleeping but according to your "schedule", it's time to eat, how much to take on an outing and what to leave... all those moments that you have to experience, and no amount of "pregnancy check lists" prepare you for.  By the time the girls were moving around on the floor, those first questions were an old hat.  Then came where to set the boundaries for my little movers, how do I communicate with a baby who is starting to try and communicate with me?  Each phase brought new territory to navigate and new challenges to try and figure out.  I honestly thought that the older they got the more experienced I would feel.  Don't get me wrong, I have total confidence if you hand me a newborn to take care of; but some days as I am sitting  across from one of my 15 year olds, all I can think is, "should I wake her up to eat, or let her sleep?" I feel like such a new Mommy all over again.

The thing that is so different now,  is that the decisions and shepherding that we try and give our kids seems to have such far reaching consequences.  I mean, if I messed up with their feeding schedule, I could back pedal and try something new.  Now they sit there with real life questions and decisions to make and I feel a sense of HUGE responsibility roll over me... and if I am honest, some days... total fear.  I know I am not, and cannot be a perfect parent.  There was only one of those and even His children made the wrong choice.  I do however pray and ask the Lord for wisdom beyond my experience, and patience with not only my girls, but with myself as well.  I don't have to have the perfect answer every-time.  I may at times respond out of fear instead of what's right for them.  I will just keep praying that God's grace will fill in the holes that we undoubtedly will leave behind, and hope that one day when my girls are calling me with their own "baby" questions,  grace will flow both ways.

Consistency Evades Me

Well, Posting on this blog seems to be something that I obviously have a tough time doing on a regular basis... it's been 9 months this time... my case in point!
I love blogs!  I have one blog that I follow religiously, "The thoughts and writings of Tricia Lott Williford" formerly know as "Teaching Tuck and Ty". www.tricialottwilliford.wordpress.com   The blog belongs to a young 32 year old widowed mommy who lost her husband very suddenly a year and a half ago.  I started following her blog a month and a half after her husband passed away and I have read it everyday since.  Being a witness to her journey has been a blessing in more ways than she will ever know. her testimony of God's grace and love in the midst of the darkest valley you can imagine has been a thing of beauty.  She has touched the hearts of thousands of people.

The rest of my blogs that I continually go back to are craft blogs, organizing, cooking and sewing.  recently i have visited several photography blogs, my newest area of learning.

This brings me to my blog.  I want to have a blog.  I enjoy writing.  I enjoy going back and reading my blog posts.  Yet somehow, i find that I feel a bit insecure at what i have to offer a public blog.  I am not an expert at anything, and I often feel like I live a life of more failures than victories... so why blog?  I confess that I am still asking myself that question, and I don't totally have an answer.  The only part of the answer i have is that I blog for me.  Selfish I know, but right now it's something I have that I can offer myself.  So... I climb back on the horse and decide to attempt to ride this trail yet again... if for no other reason than a gift for me.