My Mom has told me, since I was young, that when something seems confusing or clouded I should always remember that the Lord is not the author of confusion. There have been days in my life when knowing this has been an anchor to what's real, an anchor to knowing Truth from lies.
Today has been one of those days.
Most of my close friends and family know that since Abbey was born, I have struggled with depression. It started about 3 weeks after she was born and I fought all advice to call my doctor. Still to this day, I wonder about this. It seems to be very common in people who struggle with depression, this lack of desire to seek any medical help. Maybe it's embarrassing, maybe it's pride; for me, I think it was shame... depression makes me feel so broken. I felt like a spiritual failure to allow this dark enemy to overtake me. I thought it was because I was giving into it, or that I just wasn't choosing to keep my mind on the right things.
Eventually I did go see my doctor and she put me on antidepressants to help me "get through" the darkness.
Looking back on that time, I see it as difficult, but I also remember it as a time when I felt so loved by my friends at church. I had friends bring me meals, clean my house, play with the twins, or just come and sit with me during the day. When I think back on it, I see a picture of Jesus letting me know there was no reason to feel shame by sending me angels to love on me in the exact ways I needed it.
This post-baby depression ended up being something that stuck with me. Although I have attempted to wean myself from my medication a few times over the years, for the most part, I have been on them for 13 years. I have been prayed over, prayed for, and in the low times, have begged God to take it from me; so far that has not happened.
Until the move to Chico, the struggle with depression has not been too difficult. Sure every once in a while I had to have a slight tweak or a small change; but, for the most part... it really hasn't been too bad. Until this year that is.
When you go in to have an evaluation done for depression they ask a series of questions, almost rating what your stress level is. There are certain stressers in life that are high scorers ( some even "good" things) They include marriage, death, divorce, new baby, new job, new move, new home, loss of job ect. In the last 18 months we have had multiple things from this category in our life. We both lost our jobs, moved to a new community, started new jobs, started homeschooling and those are just the biggies.
Please, don't hear me crying a river here... I know this happens to people ALL THE TIME. This is life... it just affects someone with depression differently than the average person. All of a sudden a brain that had found a rhythm and balance is on overload and that can lead to full blown depression.
So... I have found myself, after quite sometime of seemingly having this thing figured out, struggling once again. I know it has to do with all the change from the last year, all the new and different that has been thrown at Chris, myself, and the girls... some days it's extremely overwhelming and at times even paralyzing. I haven't figured out where these dark days come from although I do have an idea.
As one such day swept in on me today I have found myself once again clinging to the anchor my Mom gave me years ago. I have struggled today with understanding it all. Why is this happening again? Haven't I been trying to be around people enough? I am in a bible study now aren't I? Church has been wonderful, great worship, great messages, spirit filled... check, check, check. It just doesn't make sense....
Then out of this raging storm I sea the anchor go sailing into the air, sink to the bottom and grab tight to the rock. God is not the author of confusion... quit asking all these things and ride out the storm.
Truth is... He calms my seas.
Truth is... He has never left me or forsaken me.
Truth is... it's okay to not feel okay today.
Truth is... I am not alone
Truth is... today... I am clinging to these truths.
1 Corinthians 14:33
For God is not a God of confusion but of peace
Hebrews 13:5b
For He has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
Psalm 18:6
In my distress I called upon the LORD; to my God I cried for help. From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ears.
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Friends, This is Tricia, Tricia, These are my Friends
Tricia, thank you for this guest post. Thank you for who you are and how much you have touched my life. Most importantly, thank you for pu...
2 comments:
I know how you feel Laura, this pregnancy has been extremely difficult for me emotionally, and many times sitting in my room thinking to myself why am I going backwards, especially since I didn't have a problem when pregnant with Julian. At times it makes me fearful for the future.... The other day I was having one such day and I read a quote that really hit me
Sometimes God calms the storm, and sometimes he let's the storm rage and calms His child.... Hope that helps you as much as it helped me. Hang in there
Laura,I sooo love your honesty in your struggle and your ability to put it into words in such a way that other people can totally get it. I've told you before, as have many others, that you have a gift for communication. Written and spoken. Keep doing this, it is inspiring and amazing. I love you!
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