Friends, This is Tricia, Tricia, These are my Friends

Tricia, thank you for this guest post.  Thank you for who you are and how much you have touched my life.  Most importantly, thank you for putting into beautiful words how so many of us feel about our own confidence.  You are loved my friend!

For my dear friends and readers, meet Tricia Williford, you're gonna love her!

*****

Let’s start with an invitation: I’d like to invite you to stop being unhappy with yourself. To stop wishing you looked like someone else, or that people liked you as much as they like someone else, or that you could get the attention of people who hurt you. I’d like to invite you to stop second-guessing all of your decisions and commitments, to stop wondering if your life were different had you only chosen the mystery prize behind door number two. 

I’m writing to you working moms who think you’re not doing enough to be present at home, and to you stay-at-home-moms—to those of you who are unapologetically content at home, who worry about getting things right in your long days with the little people who hold your heart; and to the ones among us who miss working outside the home, who feel like you lost your confidence somewhere among crumbs and dirty diapers. I’m thinking of you single women who feel incomplete or not enough because you’re not married. I’m writing to you single moms who balance more than you were ever meant to carry alone, and to you women who live with a failure, a betrayal, or a loss that has stolen every bit of who you thought you were. 

I am inviting all of you, all of us, to a new conversation. I’d love to invite you to stop hating your body, your face, your figure, your hair, your freckles (or lack of them), your personality, your quirks. You’re worth more than these self-imposed opinions. It doesn’t matter when you began torturing yourself with criticism, but it needs to stop today. And here’s what I’d love to convince you of right here, right now: 

You can do this.

When you’ve finished reading this book, I hope you’ll think, This book made me think and laugh, and now I feel like I can do this next thing in front of me. I hope you’ll feel hope, courage, strength, encouragement, presence, freedom, and confidence to move forward into your life with the awareness that you were born for this. I hope, girl to girl and eye to eye, we can remember that we are called to claim complete confidence.  

Finding your confidence is a miracle. I know this because I found mine. And when I looked hard at the woman I’ve become, when I finally recognized the courageous warrior hidden in this frame, I was surprised by joy and astonished by awe. I want the same awareness for you.

Join me, girlfriend. Let’s do this. 

See you in the pages, 

Tricia

Reclaiming Confidence

Here I go.... I'm jumping back in with both feet! I almost just started a brand new blog... ( I am a little embarrassed by my extended leave of absence's) it has been almost three years you know.  Then I thought, this is my journey, this is who I am.  I'm not going to apologize for my lack of confidence that keeps me from writing, I'm simply going to write again.

What better way to reinsert myself into this blogging community once more, than to introduce you to a friend that I met via her blog, www.tricialottwilliford.com .  I say my friend, however, we have never met in person.  At least not yet :) 

I "met" Tricia Williford when I was walking through a very dark valley and was instantly drawn to her honest, transparent and open writing.  You see, Tricia was walking through a valley of her own. At 30 years old, she had just become a widow with two very small boys. The first blog post I read of hers was just days after suddenly loosing her husband.  Three hours later, a box of tissue and no makeup left on my face, I loved this girl. 

Her writing and her story have impacted my life more than I can describe.  So many of her dark days, mirrored many of mine; and her faith, perseverance, and "here I am for better or worse" attitude have been a profound encouragement to me over these last 6 years. 

Tricia's story is one of beauty from ashes and she has told it not only on her blog, but as a best-selling author.  Her books include, "And Life Comes Back", "Let's Pretend We're Normal", and her third book "You Can Do This".

I have been blessed to be a part of Tricia's launch team for "You Can Do This" and received my launch-team-copy (yes, I was very proud of this) a couple months ago.  

I have read the book twice, each time my pages get more and more colorful with notes, underlines, highlights, stars, exclamation marks and even some tear stains.

From the very first page of the introduction, you feel as though you have pulled up a chair with a friend who knows your heart, understands so many of your struggles, and genuinely cares for you.  Her passion for seeing women grow in confidence and be set free from all of the confidence "stealers" we have lived with, is so real, so heart felt, I promise you will fall in love with this amazing writer. 

Each chapter will give you a definition of "the confident girl".  What she looks like, who she listens to, who she allows to pull up a chair and have a voice in her head and heart, and then how we can step into that confidence.

The confident girl... 

• knows where her identity lies
• feels how she feels and is okay with it
• can be alone and even enjoy her own company
• is thankful for how God has created her
• chooses carefully who has influence over her

"You Can Do This" has been a game changer in my life.  It is real, it gets down to the root of our confidence struggles and then gives us hope that it doesn't HAVE to be that way.

If I can do this, I'm telling you... "You Can do This" too!

Available at Amazon.com  

A New Phase of Mommy

The day I honestly thought would never come (when I tell you what it is you will probably think me very naive) has finally come.

My girls (the two that shared my womb together) have decided that they don't need me for everything, and that they want to decide everything without me.

I know, I know... "this is normal".  Or so I've been told by anyone who will listen to my hurting Mama's heart.

Call it naive, call it ignorant, but I honestly and truthfully thought I had dodged this bullet.  I mean, I was expecting it around 14,15,16... it never happened.  I was still the first one they wanted to share with, first one they went to for advice, first one for all of it.  We talked about everything,sometimes things I couldn't believe they wanted to talk to me about, and I was very proud of that fact; my girls still listened to me.  My girls hadn't pulled away from me, I wasn't "that" Mom, no role of the eyes and "oh please Mom's" for this girl!

Ah Hem... yeah right!

This year (honestly about 3 weeks before Senior year started) I all of a sudden became exceptionally dumb and a major nerd all in one fell swoop!

I get the looks that say, "Did you seriously just say that?" or "You sooo don't get it."  Just a few months ago my witty banter and listening ear were my crowning laurels... now... well... to be honest.... I'm not totally sure what to do with myself.

I miss them, and yet I see them everyday.  I worry that I'll never feel close to them again.  I've been told that they will come out of this, that one day they will look back and actually think I did an okay job.  I honestly just didn't see this coming.

I've really struggled, I mean big time!  Letting them be who they are, completely separate from Chris and I is hard stuff.  It's filled with trust and hope, all the while battling fear and doubt.

Letting them try to find their way without my guidance on everything is proving to me a bigger challenge than I was prepared for.  Like I said, I really thought I had dodged this bullet.  I thought they would always think everything I said was scripture and all my opinions filled with wisdom and truth.

I want to hold on tighter, I want to go back with complete understanding to when they were 3 and people would say, "this is the best time of your life".  All while they were growing up I honestly believed that I thoroughly enjoyed each and every stage, that I cherished all the growing up, changing, and discovering.  Now they are discovering life without the need for me and it hurts in a part of my heart that hasn't hurt before now.  

The night they were born, I sat in my hospital bed with them laying on my lap side by side and had this moment of panic that I now had the ability to be hurt deeper than I ever had. My love was so strong that it terrified me.  This phase of Mommy is really the first time I have started to feel that ache.  

Some days I want to just yell, "don't you know NOBODY loves you as much as I do?" or "I've been there for everything, why do you push me away now?"

Truth is I want them to feel safe finding their own way.  I want them to have confidence that they can make decisions absent of Chris and I.  I want them to find all that God has in store.  I want to them to know that they are free to grow, change, explore, stretch themselves... and it will all be okay.  

I'm still here. I won't go anywhere.  When it gets tough, you still have me when YOU decide you need me.

All of this..easier said than done.

Can I get an Amen?!

Making a Comeback!

It's been 13 months since I last wrote on my blog.  Too long I think.  The biggest reason I haven't blogged is because of the difficult stuff that I've been going through all year.  Every time I would go to write I would think, "No one wants to hear my sob stories again."  So, I haven't written.
I guess you could say at this point that I don't care if someone doesn't like it, they don't have to read it.  I, however, am not going to let it keep me from writing.
I read a blog post today that was so ugly honest and touched me so deeply.  If that writer had the same attitude I've had for the last 13 months, I would have truly missed out.  And so... I'm back!  For better or for worse, here I am again blogging world!

Happy Birthday Mom

I worked late tonight so I didn't get a chance to write my birthday post to my Mom.  Today is her birthday, I won't say how old she is, but I think Social Security may be sending her  some birthday money.

This year has been a big year for my Mom.  For the first time since her and my Dad got married they are finally out on their own.  They had to fly the coop to find their empty nest, but they found it, after 37 years by becoming full time RVers.  They are loving it, and I couldn't be happier for them.  Key words being "for them".  I miss my Mom terribly when she's gone. I'm 40 years old and I miss her. 

I am so grateful to say that and get the ache in my heart that I do.  You see, growing up things weren't all that easy between my Mom and I.  We are simular in many ways and that seemed to put us at odds with one another often.  I always felt like she didn't see me, and didn't "get" me.  As a Mom now, I know she probably felt very much the same.

God has done something in our relationship that for a long time, I doubted would happen.  She is a go to girl in my life.  She is someone I always know is there for me, someone who I know, no matter what is always proud of me, someone who gets me, sees me and never forgets me.  She's not just my Mom, she's a best friend.  I know that some of this happens as we get older, our kids get older and we start going through some of the same things our parents did with us; but I truly believe it is something that was healed between us as well.

The love I have for my own girls is overwhelmingly gut wrenching and joy filled, sometimes so much I don't know if my heart can hold it.   You know what? My Mom feels the same way about me, and I am unbelievable blessed to be loved by her.

Mom, Happy Birthday.  I hope that I can walk the next 21 years of my life as beautifully as you have.  I hope that when my girls grow up, I can be as wonderful a Mom and friend to them as you are to me.  I miss you all the time and yet I am ecstatic for this time in your life.  This year is going to be amazing for you and you've earned it.

Facebook

Life is not always easy is it?  Today on Facebook I was reminded of something a friend once told me. "If you are feeling hopeless about an area of your life, you are probably listening to a lie."
Truth.... now just to get myself to stop believing it!
Thanks Dibba

Sharks and Mosquito Eaters

You know those big ugly bugs that fly really slow and fly like they're drunk, well in the Thompson house we call those Mosquito Eaters.  In our house they mostly fly on the ceiling and pretty much keep to themselves. 

Well, one of my daughters is extremely afraid of them.  I tried to explain to her that you can literally catch them by the leg and throw them outside... this is how docile they are.  She doesn't care, in her mind they are the creepiest thing in God's creation.  Oh my girl you have got to get over this.... 

(This coming from her mother who was to scared to take a bath when I was pregnant with her because of my fear of sharks!) 

Fill the Gaps

Parenting.... need I say more?

I felt like a pro at it at one time in my life.  Back when my opinions were their opinions,  they were sleeping through the night at 6 weeks old, and parenting decisions included how to keep them from splashing in  the toilet, or "washing" the cat.

Am I the only one who feels that the parenting manual got left at the hospital?  Do situations ever come up for you where you have absolutely no idea what the correct response is?  The responsibility of raising three girls that you want to grow up loving the Lord, knowing how to "do hard", knowing how to love people, knowing how to make good decisions, balanced with wanting them to know how much you desperately love them, how far you would go to protect them, and how crazy you are about them, is not an easy path for me at times.  I find that lately, I am questioning myself all the time.  Was I too hard, was I not hard enough,  did I pick a fight I shouldn't have, now I've picked the fight do I  have to see it through? 

When they were all born, the realization hit me that my heart no longer belonged to myself, the thought of them hurting, felt in that moment, like it would kill me.  I naively thought that my girls would never,  for even a moment, feel things like rejection, loneliness, abandonment, or unloved.  Now however, I see them navigating through school, relationships, heart aches and decisions and I know that even hurting is part of this whole thing.  I can't make it all better, or fix it all.. and sometimes that scares me.  This transition from my little girls to women is hard to watch at times. They will go through those feelings, they will face those things,  and most of all... they have to know how to get on the other side of them.

Sigh... "am I doing it right Lord? ...  please fill in the gaps where I fall so very short? Please give me wisdom that only comes from You!"  That's my prayer tonight, and I know that as much as I love them, this is a grain of sand next to the Love their Father in Heaven has for them.  He can direct them through ANYTHING, He is the healer, the one with the real power to touch their hearts and heal the hurts in ways that I can't.  Fill in the gaps... please Heavenly Father... fill in the gaps.

Long Over Due Update!

Since I have received so many emails and messages wondering how I am doing physically, I thought I would just type it all out in a blog post.
Since my last post, finding out that I was B12 deficient, my health has been an up and down roller coaster.  One that I am very excited to see end.
The B12 made a HUGE difference, but took about 4 weeks to figure out how much and how often I needed it.  Unfortunately that meant many more days, off and on, of feeling tired, nauseous, weak, and throwing up.  With that finally figured out I now know that I do not produce Intrinsic Factor (the protein produced to carry B12 from food to your blood cells) so I will be on weekly B12 shots indefinately.  Thankfully, they are pretty pain free ;)
About 2 and a half weeks ago, I got very sick again and have been told it was not related to my B12 issues of January and February, although I find that hard to believe.
I passed a Kidney stone, which was followed by a bacterial kidney infection.  This leads me to Sunday March 10th, and the real reason I want to share this story.
That afternoon I was feeling really sick... miserable.  I had been on antibiotics for my kidney infection for a day and was fighting a VERY high fever.  It was almost 104 and on tylenol, the lowest I could get it was 102.4.
My Mom called to check on me and told me I needed to call the ER, where I had just been for my kidney stone and see if I needed to come back.
Now, I don't know about most people, but I am always fearful of coming across as a baby... or a hypochondriac... trust me, I have found over the last few months that there are those who are not understanding of prolonged sickness.  I will have tons and tons of grace for sick people for the rest of my life. :)
Because of this, I didn't want to just go to the ER... after calling I was told that since I was already on antibiotics, I should be turning a corner soon, and the fever was expected, although high, with a bacterial infection.  The nurse said the only reason to come in was if my pain got unmanageable.  I was hurting, but not too bad.
When I got off the phone, I had such an uneasiness in the pit of my stomach and the depths of my heart... I felt like I needed to go to the hospital, but didn't want the unneccesary bills, trouble to the family ect.  So... I prayed... I asked the Lord that if I needed to go to the hospital, He would bring on the pain.  Within the hour I was in excruciating pain, I could hardly walk, and thought I was probably dying.  I had my answer.
We went to the emergency room, where I was hooked up to an IV, tested and medicated heavily pretty quickly.
I was admitted for my "infection" much to my surprise and began intense doses of IV antibiotics and VERY strong pain medication (think hallucinations for days).... NOT fun!
It took about 4 days to get my temperature down... this included being packed with ice packs, but thankfully it did the job.
Now if all this sounds a bit intense for a kidney infection, join the crowd... turns out it wasn't just a kidney infection... I had developed Sepsis.  My  kidney infection had turned septic, meaning the infection was in my blood stream.
The medical statistics of Sepsis are scary to read.  The fatality rate is very high.  Mostly because, being a secondary infection, people think they are treating the primary infection and just need to wait for their medicine to start working.  Unfortunately, much of the time, people get to the hospital too late.
I cannot  tell you how thankful I am that the Lord answered my prayer and sent me to the hospital when He did.  I may not have been here to share this story had He not.
The recovery from Sepsis is not a quick recovery, after a week in the hospital, I came home with more antibiotics and still am having pain in my kidney.  This is expected according to the doctors and I pray I am well on my way to being completely well.
For those who have sent me messages that they have been praying for me.... thank you so much.  It has been a tough few months, but I have not been alone, even when I felt like I was. Your prayers and encouragement have meant so much to Chris and I... please keep them coming! 

 

6 Hours and Fingers Crossed

It's been 6 hours since I had my first B12 shot and what a difference a few hours has made.

The blood work from Friday has shown many things that are off.... however the first hole in the damn that the doctor is treating is my B12 levels.  He told Chris this morning I have the lowest B12 level he has ever seen in his career as a doctor... apparently, it's really low.  Sooo... into the doctor I went for my first shot.  I left super exhausted, dizzy, and totally nauseous.  I left feeling discouraged that with all that is wrong in my blood, they are taking this first step and then seeing what happens.  I feel like my life has a pause button on it, but I am actually watching it all go by from my couch.  I am so tired of feeling sick and just want to be better!!!  I have to admit, I was feeling very skeptical... however... the last few hours have actually made a very big difference.  I am amazed at the life that has returned to my body.  I honestly, at times this weekend, felt like I was dying, like my body was shutting down.  Now, I feel like someone is breathing life into my body.  It's only been a few hours, tomorrow morning will be a huge tell for me when I see if I wake up throwing up, but for now I am feeling encouraged tonight.  I have a clear head, although I have a slight headache, I can walk to the bathroom by myself, I can sit up and be on my lap top, I even walked to the kitchen and opened the fridge... all of these huge for me.

I really want to find out why my body isn't absorbing B12, but even if I have to have these shots for the rest of my life, I will be thankful.  

I was amazed tonight when I went online and read all the facebook prayers and well wishes.  My Mom, my sister, my daughters, my friends.... all posting things and asking for my prayers.  It has been such a blessing tonight to remember my sweet friends in Santa Rosa... many of whom I know would have been here at my side this weekend taking care of me if they could... a bittersweet reminder of my"family" in Sonoma County.  I have been held up in prayer all weekend by my new Chico friends and family and I am so blessed to have that.  Thank you to all who have texted, called, emailed, and Facebooked me and my family.  We still need prayer, I don't believe this is going to a quick fix to figure out how to get all my blood levels where they need to be, but I am encouraged tonight.  

Never underestimate the power of prayer.  I have felt surrounded by love this weekend and I know that prayer is getting me through all this...  well, that and my husband who has become my personal nurse :)  

It feels so good to go to bed tonight with a little hope and encouragement! 

Some Days All You Can Do Is Blog

As I sit here watching one day turn into the next my heart is heavy and overloaded.  Not knowing is the worst part... and yet I will somehow feel so guilty if this turns out to be nothing.

As I shared in my earlier post, I have been sick for over a month now.  Somewhere in the beginning I did have the flu, I must have as I had a high fever, the shakes, chills, aches and icky cough that goes with it.  Many around me had the flu and I was told it was a long one. I was even told people were experiencing sickness up to 2 weeks... so... I thought I would ride it out.  All symptoms slowly went away except one... nausea and vomiting.  I have been doing it every day for almost 5 weeks now.  Some days are better than others.... good days mean I am just sick in the morning and regain a bit of strength in the afternoon and evening... however looking at it, even my "feeling okay" is not what it was a couple months ago.  Bad days, like today, I throw up several times, feel very weak and extremely nauseous most of the day.

I went to the doctor over a week ago and had blood work done.  After persistent calling and the doctors misplacing and then finding my results, the doctor called me today.  He had several results and not a whole lot of answers except to tell me three times in our conversation that I needed to come in TODAY for more blood work... he mentioned that I had anemia... not new news to me... and that my red blood cells, white blood cells and platelet counts are very concerning.  I asked him if it could be something serious and his reply was, yes it could be very serious, but let's take one step at a time.  He believes I am going to need a bone marrow test and then we will go from there.  The thing that freaked me out in the conversation was all that he wasn't saying.  I got the sense that he was holding back, not wanting to scare me, but he was concerned.

Now I started out after this phone call refusing to even look at the internet.... unfortunately, my worrying and curiosity has gotten the best of me.  According to my blood cell counts there are several things this could be... some are treatable with medication and easily taken care of... others take you all the way to the C word.

I am scared... I am beyond exhausted from feeling this cruddy... and I feel crushed in my spirit.  As soon as I got off the phone with my Dr.  my phone sent me my daily verse for the day... "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18

He is near me... during this long weekend as I wait for more information... He is near me... I have no choice but to believe this, although I have constantly confessed my unbelief to Him today... He is near me.  

Of course my mind wants to take me to every horrible place that it can imagine, to keep me prisoner to fear, but I will not be sucked into that because He is near me.  Not only does He hold my health, but He holds my future, He holds my heart that has loved my husband since I was 17, He holds my Mama's heart, and He holds this weekend.  Every slow minute... He holds in His hand.  If I can't entrust the creator of Heaven and earth... the creator of everyone of my blood cells, what can I trust?  

Nothing... only Him... only Him