Some Days All You Can Do Is Blog

As I sit here watching one day turn into the next my heart is heavy and overloaded.  Not knowing is the worst part... and yet I will somehow feel so guilty if this turns out to be nothing.

As I shared in my earlier post, I have been sick for over a month now.  Somewhere in the beginning I did have the flu, I must have as I had a high fever, the shakes, chills, aches and icky cough that goes with it.  Many around me had the flu and I was told it was a long one. I was even told people were experiencing sickness up to 2 weeks... so... I thought I would ride it out.  All symptoms slowly went away except one... nausea and vomiting.  I have been doing it every day for almost 5 weeks now.  Some days are better than others.... good days mean I am just sick in the morning and regain a bit of strength in the afternoon and evening... however looking at it, even my "feeling okay" is not what it was a couple months ago.  Bad days, like today, I throw up several times, feel very weak and extremely nauseous most of the day.

I went to the doctor over a week ago and had blood work done.  After persistent calling and the doctors misplacing and then finding my results, the doctor called me today.  He had several results and not a whole lot of answers except to tell me three times in our conversation that I needed to come in TODAY for more blood work... he mentioned that I had anemia... not new news to me... and that my red blood cells, white blood cells and platelet counts are very concerning.  I asked him if it could be something serious and his reply was, yes it could be very serious, but let's take one step at a time.  He believes I am going to need a bone marrow test and then we will go from there.  The thing that freaked me out in the conversation was all that he wasn't saying.  I got the sense that he was holding back, not wanting to scare me, but he was concerned.

Now I started out after this phone call refusing to even look at the internet.... unfortunately, my worrying and curiosity has gotten the best of me.  According to my blood cell counts there are several things this could be... some are treatable with medication and easily taken care of... others take you all the way to the C word.

I am scared... I am beyond exhausted from feeling this cruddy... and I feel crushed in my spirit.  As soon as I got off the phone with my Dr.  my phone sent me my daily verse for the day... "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18

He is near me... during this long weekend as I wait for more information... He is near me... I have no choice but to believe this, although I have constantly confessed my unbelief to Him today... He is near me.  

Of course my mind wants to take me to every horrible place that it can imagine, to keep me prisoner to fear, but I will not be sucked into that because He is near me.  Not only does He hold my health, but He holds my future, He holds my heart that has loved my husband since I was 17, He holds my Mama's heart, and He holds this weekend.  Every slow minute... He holds in His hand.  If I can't entrust the creator of Heaven and earth... the creator of everyone of my blood cells, what can I trust?  

Nothing... only Him... only Him