Sister Love

Olivia went grocery shopping with me tonight... I truly despise grocery shopping, especially when I am tired and it needs to be done.  I almost always take one of my girls, tonight it was Olivia.
As we were walking through our last stop at Safeway we were talking about her relationship with Makayla and she told me I didn't understand how much she loved Makayla, how Makayla feels like her "other half" at times... she said, "Mom... you don't Understand..." 
I looked over at her after a long pause... she had tears in her eyes and kind of chuckled.  Not looking at me she said, "Mom, don't look at me or I will just start crying right here."
I asked her, "what is it Livie?"
To which she replied, "You just don't understand Mom... I don't know what I would do without Makayla, I love her so much, thinking about something happening to her... I just don't know how I would go on..."
Yes my sweet girl, I understand that feeling very much.

Not a God of Confusion

My Mom has told me, since I was young, that when something seems confusing or clouded I should always remember that the Lord is not the author of confusion.  There have been days in my life when knowing this has been an anchor to what's real, an anchor to knowing Truth from lies.
Today has been one of those days.

Most of my close friends and family know that since Abbey was born, I have struggled with depression.  It started about 3 weeks after she was born and I fought all advice to call my doctor.  Still to this day, I wonder about this.  It seems to be very common in people who struggle with depression, this lack of desire to seek any medical help.  Maybe it's embarrassing,  maybe it's pride; for me, I think it was shame... depression makes me feel so broken.  I felt like a spiritual failure to allow this dark enemy to overtake me. I thought it was because I was giving into it, or that I just wasn't choosing to keep my mind on the right things.

Eventually I did go see my doctor and she put me on antidepressants to help me "get through" the darkness.
Looking back on that time, I see it as difficult, but I also remember it as a time when I felt so loved by my friends at church.  I had friends bring me meals, clean my house, play with the twins, or just come and sit with me during the day.  When I think back on it, I see a picture of Jesus letting me know there was no reason to feel shame by sending me angels to love on me in the exact ways I needed it.

This post-baby depression ended up being something that stuck with me.  Although I have attempted to wean myself from my medication a few times over the years, for the most part, I have been on them for 13 years.  I have been prayed over, prayed for, and in the low times, have begged God to take it from me; so far that has not happened.  

Until the move to Chico, the struggle with depression has not been too difficult.  Sure every once in a while I had to have a slight tweak or a small change; but, for the most part... it really hasn't been too bad.  Until this year that is.

When you go in to have an evaluation done for depression they ask a series of questions, almost rating what your stress level is.  There are certain stressers in life that are high scorers ( some even "good" things)  They include marriage, death, divorce, new baby, new job, new move, new home, loss of job ect.  In the last 18 months we have had multiple things from this category in our life.  We both lost our jobs, moved to a new community, started new jobs, started homeschooling and those are just the biggies.

Please, don't hear me crying a river here... I know this happens to people ALL THE TIME.  This is life... it just affects someone with depression differently than the average person.  All of a sudden a brain that had found a rhythm and balance is on overload and that can lead to full blown depression.

So... I have found myself, after quite sometime of seemingly having this thing figured out, struggling once again.  I know it has to do with all the change from the last year, all the new and different that has been thrown at Chris, myself, and the girls... some days it's extremely overwhelming and at times even paralyzing.  I haven't figured out where these dark days come from although I do have an idea.

As one such day swept in on me today I have found myself once again clinging to the anchor my Mom gave me years ago.  I have struggled today with understanding it all.  Why is this happening again?  Haven't I been trying to be around people enough?  I am in a bible study now aren't I?  Church has been wonderful, great worship, great messages, spirit filled... check, check, check.  It just doesn't make sense....

Then out of this raging storm I sea the anchor go sailing into the air, sink to the bottom and grab tight to the rock.  God is not the author of confusion... quit asking all these things and ride out the storm.  

Truth is... He calms my seas.
Truth is... He has never left me or forsaken me.
Truth is... it's okay to not feel okay today.
Truth is... I am not alone
Truth is... today... I am clinging to these truths.

1 Corinthians 14:33
For God is not a God of confusion but of peace

Hebrews 13:5b
For He has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” 

Psalm 18:6
In my distress I called upon the LORD; to my God I cried for help. From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ears.

For the Love of Weather

The weather has finally changed here in Chico; home of the heat stroke, sun burn and sun poisoning!   I think I have just lived through the longest stretch of hot weather I have ever experienced in my life.  Although this might be slightly exaggerated, it feels as if it's been in the 90's since April.  

When we lived up in the Northwest, close to Seattle, I had never met people who were as excited when the sun peaked through than those Northwesterners.  True Sun Worship at it's finest.  If it was 60 degrees but sunny, the swim suits and flip flops came out!

Chico seems to be opposite.  I don't think I have ever been a part of a community more excited for rain and cold weather.  The last two days have been over cast with sprinkles and we have even had "Tornado Warnings!"  Let me just put it out there that the "Tornado" clouds I saw looked more like vertical clouds than Tornados, but by all means... send out the weather warnings!  Yesterday, as I was running errands I saw about 6 women dressed in jeans, uggs, sweaters and scarves... we're talking shopping in New York City in the middle of winter outfits.  It was 67 degrees... with no precipitation!  

These people  are naming it and claiming it!  We skipped right through Autumn and went straight to Minnesota winters! I can personally tell you of about 8 people who "wore cozy socks and drank hot chocolate" in the last couple of days.  How do I know this?  Their facebook status' tell me so!  These Chicoans are hard core about getting their winter on!

And I couldn't agree more.  

If sending my children in the back yard to do the Indian rain dance would keep this weather around, they'd be out there sporting their deer skins. 

We have a fire in the wood stove, hot chocolate with mounds of whip cream, soup for lunch and 4 pairs of fuzzy socks on.  We completely embrace the winter crazies.

Tomorrows forecast.... clear, sunny and 70... oh well... we will take it while it lasts!

Looking forward to "Lasterday"

So far, on my side of the family, God has blessed my Mom and Dad with 3 Granddaughters and 4 Grandsons.  All of the Granddaughters have the last name Thompson.  This leaves me with all nephews.  Each of these precious little guys hold special places in "Auntie Lou's" heart.

My oldest nephew DJ is almost 7 and he is a spitting image of my brother, he's my only nephew with dark hair and big blue eyes.  When I think of DJ, I see a picture that I took of him while he was potty training.  We were at the duck park and he went behind a tree to have a "private" moment; I walked over and he stuck his head out and gave me the sweetest little smile that said, "uhhh.... I think I pooped my pants!" I of course snapped a picture.  It was hilarious.

His little brother Jared is a miniature version of my sister in laws brother.  He is the most beautiful little boy.  Big brown eyes and golden blonde hair.  Think 4 year old surfer dude.  He was born while my brother was in Iraq; all of us waited in the waiting room for him to be born with  bittersweet emotions because my brother couldn't be there and my sweet sister in law was laboring without her husband.  

Both of these little guys live in Southern California so Auntie Lou doesn't get to see them like she wishes she could.  They still hold pieces of her heart.

My youngest brother and his wife had their first baby about 5 months ago.  I have spent one weekend with this little guy because he lives in Colorado.  His name is Jax... he is the most adorable toe head, blue eyed, happy little baby....there will never be enough time to kiss and squeeze this little guy as much as I would like.  His Mommy sends pictures almost every day and there are times I see his sweet smile and ache to hold and love on him.  Oh... and he smells marvelous!

This brings me to the little guy that made me want to write this post.  My little nephew Lucas.  He is almost 4.  When he was born, I had the privilege of being with my sister for his birth.  Front row seat... I held my sisters leg  (TMI???).  He came out the spitting image of my Dad...except the fact that his head was shaped like a football.  My sister is a single Mom, besides the help of my Mom and Dad and family that loves her, she has done this all by herself.  I am beyond proud of the Mommy she is.

Luke doesn't give hugs really freely, and no matter how many times I see him, he is always a little shy when he first sees me... however, he always gives me my hello and goodbye loves.  

He surprised me today and came to see me.  When I saw that little guy with his back pack jump out of car to show me he was here, the feeling I felt in that moment was pure joy.  He does that to his Auntie Lou.

Then today, as he was getting ready to leave, I pulled him on my lap and told him I didn't want him to go because I was going to miss him so much.  He replied, "That's okay Auntie Lou... I will see you 'lasterday'".  I think he meant to say... we will meet again! :)  

This little guy tugs at his Auntie's heart and makes me long for lasterday... and all the lasterdays when I get to see any or all of my precious, sweet nephews!

Perceived Rejection

Do you know what perceived rejection is?  I didn't know until about six years ago... and let me tell you... it's not good.  It's that rejection you just know someone is sending your way.  Not because of something they directly said to you, usually it's what they didn't say.  Not because of a nasty look they gave you, usually it's from a look of indifference. When you make yourself vulnerable to someone and they aren't comfortable with what you are sharing.  They don't come out and tell you, but you feel them pull away. You know you hear them saying... "you're too much... or you're not enough."
It's the rejection that we surmise in our heads and hearts without any concrete evidence... and can I just say... IT SUCKS!
I have struggled for most of my life with perceived rejection.  Every difficult moment I have with a relationship I care about ends with me battling against MSU (making stuff up) in my mind and heart.  Fighting against the agreements my mind wants to make.  Most of which I might add, are a big fat lie!  Straight from an enemy who comes to lie, steal and destroy; and if he can do that by building up scenarios of rejection in my mind... he's gonna do it.  ARG!  That makes me so mad!  I know better! I know when I hear a voice that isn't from my Father in Heaven so why do I let this bring me down?
I long for a day when my identity if so deeply rooted in my Father that MSU doesn't happen anymore because others acceptance of me pales in comparison.

I know who my Maker is.
He is the creator of Heaven and earth.
He has made with a unique set of gifts and talents that are custom made!
He looks at me and adores what He sees.
He woo's me with His unfailing love and devotion.
There is no safer place for my heart or my identity than in His hands.
This is truth!
This is what I make a choice to believe!

God's Plans Vs. My plans

I talked to a dear, new friend today and she reminded me, or perhaps confirmed for me something that the Lord has been showing me... our plans are not always Gods and although hindsight it wonderful, in the midst of it, I tend to find my faith lacking.
This has hit me in two ways this last week. Four years ago, before I started teaching theater, I had a summer to get ready for my new job.  There was a moment that summer, sometime in July where I completely panicked.  I thought, "what the heck am I doing?" I cannot teach this.  Do I love it? yes, but I cannot do this!  Chris even told me that if I was having doubts there was no shame in saying it was too much for me.  I decided to fast and pray for a week.  By the end of that week I had a confidence that could only come from the Lord, I knew that I was right where He wanted and needed me and I was going to be okay.
That fall when I directed my first play I knew I had found what my heart seemed to be created to do... I was completely in love with teaching theater.
When Chris and I lost our jobs at Santa Rosa Christian, I didn't understand what the Lord was doing but I trusted that if He had begun this passion for teaching theater in my heart, He would find a way to keep it going.  I assumed this meant finding another teaching position.  After trips to Colorado and Texas looking for jobs and researching theater programs all over I was extremely disappointed to stay in Chico and have no where to teach.
Last December when Makayla earned the roll of Peter in "Peter Pan" it was with a brand new theater company here in Chico, I watched through the production of Peter  Pan and observed the leaders Makayla was working with.  I came to realize that I couldn't have asked for a better group of people, or more wonderful experience for my kids in theater.
Now, almost a year later, doors have opened for me to be able to a part of this wonderful theater group.  They have ministered in amazing ways to all of the girls and I have found a way to continue this passion and love that God has put in my heart for being a part of theater with kids.
When we had to stay in Chico, I was very confused as to what the Lord was doing.  Why did He start this new thing in me and then leave me with no where to use it?  I spent a few months pretty upset with the Lord. I know now that this was all part of His plan for me and our family.
The second thing is that coming to Chico, I left some of the most amazing friends I have ever had in my life behind.  The first year was beyond lonely.  God created me to be a very relational person.  I love people, I thrive on community and being in deep relationships with people and here I was in the loneliest place I had ever been.  Why did God create me this way and then seem to not notice that I was desperately lonely?  No matter how hard I tried, I met no one my own age, no one who seemed to want to get to know me or who needed a friendship with someone new.
In our theater group I have met some of the sweetest, funnest gals.  They are all single and in their twenties and they have breathed life into me that they can't even begin to imagine.  I have been looking for a certain type of friendship and God has brought me what I truly needed.... even unbeknownst to me. They have brought so much laughter and joy into these last few weeks and they were totally not what I expected.

Sometimes our greatest plans are not even close to what God has for us and they are usually far more than we can even imagine!