Who That Prayer was Really For

Sometimes... in a house with ALOT of estrogen... Chris and I find ourselves going from one emotional conversation to the next.  Right when one daughter seems to be coming out of something that was tough, the next one is hot on her tails.  This week has been no different... in fact it's what I would call an "overlap week".  In other words... no breaks in between emotional crisis.
Something we are finding out as well is that these talks are usually needed somewhere around 10 and 11pm; right when Daddy is thinking about his 5am alarm clock.  So tonight at precisely 10:37 the need arose and my wonderful hubby was once again up to the task.  (i'll tell you one thing... it takes a special man to be there for 4 females... just sayin)
One of the girls was once again at a low point over our move here to Chico and her difficulty in feeling at home here.  They all want to make friends so badly and the amount of time it takes to do it is not always easy.  Chris began talking to her about God's plan for her and the fact that we don't always see in the here and now why things happen... like moving to Chico.  He told her that God loves her soooo much and has her best interest at heart.  I then chimed in with "Do you believe that?  Do you believe God wants the very best for you?"  Wait!  who am I talking to here?  My daughter? or was that God asking ME that question?  It was one of those moments when we say what needs to be said... we speak the truth, but inside we are struggling with the exact same thing.  Do you believe it Laura?  I believe it for my daughter... but why is it hard to believe for myself?  I think this is a trust issue for me... I don't completely trust God's heart towards me... heck... lately I have been struggling with that old feeling that seems I will struggle with for the rest of my life... Does He even see me?
I know he does... He promises it over and over.
As Chris began to pray out loud for her at the end of our conversation, the prayer seemed to be for me in that moment.  "Help her to feel your presence... Help her to know you care even about the small stuff.... Help her to trust you with everything."  Great huh?  Here Chris was praying for my daughter and I kept putting my name in there... you know what though?  I think it's okay... no, I know it's okay.  That prayer was just as much for me tonight.  The words I spoke to her were meant for me as well.  Do I trust in God's heart for me?  After tonight I'm thinking... absolutely!

Itchin and Paintin

Here in the Thompson house we are going into our 3rd week of scratching.  Poor Olivia has had a horrible case of poison oak and an allergic reaction to Amoxicillin.  After finally getting on Prednisone (isn't THAT a fun medication) her poison oak started getting better but she was also put on antibiotics that she had an allergic reaction to and is covered, head to toe in hives.  Poor thing has had a rough couple of weeks.  We attempted to go camping with Grammie and had to come home early because she was miserable.

So... this weekend I have attempted a couple projects around the house... first I painted a really ugly step that is at our sliiding glass door to the backyard... then I sewed a cover for my sewing maching... I was happy with how they turned out....here are my final results....

First Midnight Showing

Well, last night was the first midnight showing of a movie that I have ever attended.  In the moment I thought, "we are so doing this again!"  It really was fun.  Never mind that we had to buy our tickets a week early... no big deal.  Or, that we stood in line for 5 and a half hours... some people were there for 12 hours... it really was a fun thing to do with the twins.
They were going with some friends who were all dressing up in various Batman costumes.  Everything from the main man himself, Robin, The Joker, Poison Ivy, the Bat Mobile... you name it, it was there.  Livie made herself a cute Batman shirt complete with yellow ribbons and black and yellow nail polish.  I thought she looked adorable.  Makayla was head to toe Cat woman... she totally looked the part!
We ate Taco Bell in line, brought our blanket to play games on and took a ton of pictures.  The hours actually went by pretty quickly and by the time they opened the doors, we were pretty excited for the movie to start.
It didn't disappoint at all!  We LOVED IT!  I left the theater at 3:15 am thinking it had been a pretty awesome night... even if I suddenly felt very old and tired.
We pulled into home afraid we weren't going to be able to sleep we were so pumped from the movie.  As we pulled in, I saw something on the driveway... broken glass EVERYWHERE... someone had busted out the window in the back of our minivan.  The girls and I were totally creeped out, afraid that maybe someone was still in the area.  I got the house key ready and we all bolted from the car and flew to the front door.  Five minutes later I was on the phone with the police and Chris was out front, flash light in hand to survey the damage and see if anything had gotten stolen.
I was slightly ticked to find out that unless our "identity" had somehow been stolen from the van, the police would just take a report over the phone... what??? this is crazy!  We had the rock in the back of the van... couldn't they fingerprint it or something... apparently, our small vandalism, no matter how financially difficult this was going to be for us, was really of little importance to the police department... I felt hurt, angry, and furious at the injustice of it all.
It took me until 4:30 to go to bed from the adrenalin rush of the entire evening and the sleep I did get wasn't great.
I awoke this morning to a jolt in perspective.  My injustice all of a sudden seemed like nothing... so much that I found myself feeling grateful for it.  How could I compare my window repair to 12 lives lost at another Batman premiere?  People who had started out their evening in probably a very similar way that we had, but ended it much differently.  Fathers, mothers, husbands and children had their lives completely altered at their Batman premier... the movie will never hold anything but horrifying memories for them... I had been so butt hurt last night that our vandalism had put such a damper on the evening... how pathetic it seemed watching the morning news.
I have a small bill to pay that was completely not my fault... a mother in Colorado will never have a chance to go to another premier with her child.  In some ways it hit close to home.  Innocent people doing exactly what we were doing last night... we were even in theater 9 in our theater...
As I have watched the news all day I have felt heart broken at how the news tries so hard to make sense of something that has no sense.  How do you make sense of such horrid evil?  You don't.  I am thankful tonight for my girls, that our memories are still playing out, and I pray for the families in Colorado... my heart breaks for them tonight.

Where's my Motivation

Usually when I think about motivation I think of scenarios that involve getting myself up and going.  Maybe it's my house that needs cleaning, my laundry that needs doing, my body that needs exercising... you know, the whole "I've got to find my mojo" kind of thing.  

Today however, Chris brought up a new way of thinking about motivation in life.  

Chris is in a leadership training program at work, and so far has really enjoyed it.  Today they talked about goals; setting goals, sticking with goals, realizing goals, failing at them and why all these things happen.  Pretty interesting stuff. They gave 3 different things that you must have when setting and achieving a goal: Motivation for setting it, tracking your goal (hello Weight Watchers!) and I think the 3rd was reward but I can't remember for sure.  Chris and I talked about the motivation one and that's what has gotten me thinking all night.

There have been things in life that I have set out to do and have done... a few things very good I might add.  When I look at those things I am sorry to say that I can see a common denominator in most of those... fear.

I know... something like perseverance, faith, trust, love of my family ect.  would have sounded so much better.  Unfortunately, I am very often  motivated by fear.  Afraid of not being accepted if I don't do a good job, afraid of people not liking me, afraid of losing someone's approval of me, the list goes on.   Sadly, I can even see areas of parenting where I have made decisions based out of my own fears and maybe not the best decision I could have made.

So tonight I ask myself, where does that leave me?  

I keep coming back to trying to figure out where the Lord would want my motivation in life to come from.  It's not from my desire to be a good wife, a good parent, a good daughter or a great friend. My motivation in life can't even come from my desire to be a good Christian.  My motivation can come only from the Love I experience from my Father in Heaven and my desire to honor him in all I do.  In all else, fear easily gets entangled, but in His love... there is no fear.

So tonight I pray that I will be good wife, mother, daughter, friend, and follower of Jesus Christ because He loves ME and because I want my hearts desire to be honoring Him.  That takes so much pressure and anxiety off of me.  Honoring Him with my talents and gifts is what I want to motivate me in every endeavor or goal I set in life.  I have a sense of new found freedom in this... I want to live in that place. Lord, help me live there.

1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. 

New Phase, New Mommy

I don't know if all parents feel this way, but I still often get the feeling that I first had when I was a brand new Mom.  You know the feeling.  That sense of, "Okay... now what?"  Bringing the baby home from the hospital and trying to figure out how you shower with a newborn, what you do if your baby is sleeping but according to your "schedule", it's time to eat, how much to take on an outing and what to leave... all those moments that you have to experience, and no amount of "pregnancy check lists" prepare you for.  By the time the girls were moving around on the floor, those first questions were an old hat.  Then came where to set the boundaries for my little movers, how do I communicate with a baby who is starting to try and communicate with me?  Each phase brought new territory to navigate and new challenges to try and figure out.  I honestly thought that the older they got the more experienced I would feel.  Don't get me wrong, I have total confidence if you hand me a newborn to take care of; but some days as I am sitting  across from one of my 15 year olds, all I can think is, "should I wake her up to eat, or let her sleep?" I feel like such a new Mommy all over again.

The thing that is so different now,  is that the decisions and shepherding that we try and give our kids seems to have such far reaching consequences.  I mean, if I messed up with their feeding schedule, I could back pedal and try something new.  Now they sit there with real life questions and decisions to make and I feel a sense of HUGE responsibility roll over me... and if I am honest, some days... total fear.  I know I am not, and cannot be a perfect parent.  There was only one of those and even His children made the wrong choice.  I do however pray and ask the Lord for wisdom beyond my experience, and patience with not only my girls, but with myself as well.  I don't have to have the perfect answer every-time.  I may at times respond out of fear instead of what's right for them.  I will just keep praying that God's grace will fill in the holes that we undoubtedly will leave behind, and hope that one day when my girls are calling me with their own "baby" questions,  grace will flow both ways.

Consistency Evades Me

Well, Posting on this blog seems to be something that I obviously have a tough time doing on a regular basis... it's been 9 months this time... my case in point!
I love blogs!  I have one blog that I follow religiously, "The thoughts and writings of Tricia Lott Williford" formerly know as "Teaching Tuck and Ty". www.tricialottwilliford.wordpress.com   The blog belongs to a young 32 year old widowed mommy who lost her husband very suddenly a year and a half ago.  I started following her blog a month and a half after her husband passed away and I have read it everyday since.  Being a witness to her journey has been a blessing in more ways than she will ever know. her testimony of God's grace and love in the midst of the darkest valley you can imagine has been a thing of beauty.  She has touched the hearts of thousands of people.

The rest of my blogs that I continually go back to are craft blogs, organizing, cooking and sewing.  recently i have visited several photography blogs, my newest area of learning.

This brings me to my blog.  I want to have a blog.  I enjoy writing.  I enjoy going back and reading my blog posts.  Yet somehow, i find that I feel a bit insecure at what i have to offer a public blog.  I am not an expert at anything, and I often feel like I live a life of more failures than victories... so why blog?  I confess that I am still asking myself that question, and I don't totally have an answer.  The only part of the answer i have is that I blog for me.  Selfish I know, but right now it's something I have that I can offer myself.  So... I climb back on the horse and decide to attempt to ride this trail yet again... if for no other reason than a gift for me.