6 Hours and Fingers Crossed

It's been 6 hours since I had my first B12 shot and what a difference a few hours has made.

The blood work from Friday has shown many things that are off.... however the first hole in the damn that the doctor is treating is my B12 levels.  He told Chris this morning I have the lowest B12 level he has ever seen in his career as a doctor... apparently, it's really low.  Sooo... into the doctor I went for my first shot.  I left super exhausted, dizzy, and totally nauseous.  I left feeling discouraged that with all that is wrong in my blood, they are taking this first step and then seeing what happens.  I feel like my life has a pause button on it, but I am actually watching it all go by from my couch.  I am so tired of feeling sick and just want to be better!!!  I have to admit, I was feeling very skeptical... however... the last few hours have actually made a very big difference.  I am amazed at the life that has returned to my body.  I honestly, at times this weekend, felt like I was dying, like my body was shutting down.  Now, I feel like someone is breathing life into my body.  It's only been a few hours, tomorrow morning will be a huge tell for me when I see if I wake up throwing up, but for now I am feeling encouraged tonight.  I have a clear head, although I have a slight headache, I can walk to the bathroom by myself, I can sit up and be on my lap top, I even walked to the kitchen and opened the fridge... all of these huge for me.

I really want to find out why my body isn't absorbing B12, but even if I have to have these shots for the rest of my life, I will be thankful.  

I was amazed tonight when I went online and read all the facebook prayers and well wishes.  My Mom, my sister, my daughters, my friends.... all posting things and asking for my prayers.  It has been such a blessing tonight to remember my sweet friends in Santa Rosa... many of whom I know would have been here at my side this weekend taking care of me if they could... a bittersweet reminder of my"family" in Sonoma County.  I have been held up in prayer all weekend by my new Chico friends and family and I am so blessed to have that.  Thank you to all who have texted, called, emailed, and Facebooked me and my family.  We still need prayer, I don't believe this is going to a quick fix to figure out how to get all my blood levels where they need to be, but I am encouraged tonight.  

Never underestimate the power of prayer.  I have felt surrounded by love this weekend and I know that prayer is getting me through all this...  well, that and my husband who has become my personal nurse :)  

It feels so good to go to bed tonight with a little hope and encouragement! 

Some Days All You Can Do Is Blog

As I sit here watching one day turn into the next my heart is heavy and overloaded.  Not knowing is the worst part... and yet I will somehow feel so guilty if this turns out to be nothing.

As I shared in my earlier post, I have been sick for over a month now.  Somewhere in the beginning I did have the flu, I must have as I had a high fever, the shakes, chills, aches and icky cough that goes with it.  Many around me had the flu and I was told it was a long one. I was even told people were experiencing sickness up to 2 weeks... so... I thought I would ride it out.  All symptoms slowly went away except one... nausea and vomiting.  I have been doing it every day for almost 5 weeks now.  Some days are better than others.... good days mean I am just sick in the morning and regain a bit of strength in the afternoon and evening... however looking at it, even my "feeling okay" is not what it was a couple months ago.  Bad days, like today, I throw up several times, feel very weak and extremely nauseous most of the day.

I went to the doctor over a week ago and had blood work done.  After persistent calling and the doctors misplacing and then finding my results, the doctor called me today.  He had several results and not a whole lot of answers except to tell me three times in our conversation that I needed to come in TODAY for more blood work... he mentioned that I had anemia... not new news to me... and that my red blood cells, white blood cells and platelet counts are very concerning.  I asked him if it could be something serious and his reply was, yes it could be very serious, but let's take one step at a time.  He believes I am going to need a bone marrow test and then we will go from there.  The thing that freaked me out in the conversation was all that he wasn't saying.  I got the sense that he was holding back, not wanting to scare me, but he was concerned.

Now I started out after this phone call refusing to even look at the internet.... unfortunately, my worrying and curiosity has gotten the best of me.  According to my blood cell counts there are several things this could be... some are treatable with medication and easily taken care of... others take you all the way to the C word.

I am scared... I am beyond exhausted from feeling this cruddy... and I feel crushed in my spirit.  As soon as I got off the phone with my Dr.  my phone sent me my daily verse for the day... "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18

He is near me... during this long weekend as I wait for more information... He is near me... I have no choice but to believe this, although I have constantly confessed my unbelief to Him today... He is near me.  

Of course my mind wants to take me to every horrible place that it can imagine, to keep me prisoner to fear, but I will not be sucked into that because He is near me.  Not only does He hold my health, but He holds my future, He holds my heart that has loved my husband since I was 17, He holds my Mama's heart, and He holds this weekend.  Every slow minute... He holds in His hand.  If I can't entrust the creator of Heaven and earth... the creator of everyone of my blood cells, what can I trust?  

Nothing... only Him... only Him

Taking for Granted

Over the last month I have learned a hard lesson. 

I take.... my health....  for granted!

It's one of those things that you aren't typically thankful for on a daily basis until you don't have it anymore.  Well... I don't have it anymore and would do just about anything at this point to get it back.

For unknown reasons (yes I have gone to the doctor, no they don't have answers yet) I have thrown up every day for over 4 weeks now.  Some days are better than others... some days it's right when I wake up and then I feel okay the rest of the day.  More days are throwing up until early afternoon and then feeling woozy, dizzy and nauseated for the rest of the day.  I don't know why this is happening and discouraging isn't quite a strong enough word for how I am feeling about it at this point. My doctor can't seem to come up with any answers and all the reasons I read about on the internet for chronic nausea and vomiting quite frankly freak me out!   I feel like I can hardly remember what it felt like to feel good all day long and not think about when I would be sick next or what sounds good to eat ( not much...)

Back to my health.  

Being overweight is something I have struggled with for years... I've always been one of those people that get told I have a pretty face, or beautiful eyes... so if I was a walking head... I'd be okay.  Unfortunately there's a lot more to me than just a face.  This last month has really convicted me about taking care of the health I have been given.  I have abused it, and ignored it for far too long, and that needs to change.  Not to be skinny (hey... not that I wouldn't love that) but to take care of something that doesn't last forever.  God has given me one life, with one body... He's entrusted me with it... I need to show that I am trustworthy... that I can do better.

In order for this to happen really regularly, I need to get this current stuff figured out.  Prayer is appreciated... I know God's got this, He created my body and knows what I need... I am trusting in His timing for healing and looking to see what He wants to teach me through this.  It's hard to do some days, to believe God's still got me, that He will never leave me or forsake me... but I know that is the truth.  My  prayer is that when all is said and done, I remember this lesson and make the changes that need to be made.   

Sigh... it is such a  journey isn't it?