The day I honestly thought would never come (when I tell you what it is you will probably think me very naive) has finally come.
My girls (the two that shared my womb together) have decided that they don't need me for everything, and that they want to decide everything without me.
I know, I know... "this is normal". Or so I've been told by anyone who will listen to my hurting Mama's heart.
Call it naive, call it ignorant, but I honestly and truthfully thought I had dodged this bullet. I mean, I was expecting it around 14,15,16... it never happened. I was still the first one they wanted to share with, first one they went to for advice, first one for all of it. We talked about everything,sometimes things I couldn't believe they wanted to talk to me about, and I was very proud of that fact; my girls still listened to me. My girls hadn't pulled away from me, I wasn't "that" Mom, no role of the eyes and "oh please Mom's" for this girl!
Ah Hem... yeah right!
This year (honestly about 3 weeks before Senior year started) I all of a sudden became exceptionally dumb and a major nerd all in one fell swoop!
I get the looks that say, "Did you seriously just say that?" or "You sooo don't get it." Just a few months ago my witty banter and listening ear were my crowning laurels... now... well... to be honest.... I'm not totally sure what to do with myself.
I miss them, and yet I see them everyday. I worry that I'll never feel close to them again. I've been told that they will come out of this, that one day they will look back and actually think I did an okay job. I honestly just didn't see this coming.
I've really struggled, I mean big time! Letting them be who they are, completely separate from Chris and I is hard stuff. It's filled with trust and hope, all the while battling fear and doubt.
Letting them try to find their way without my guidance on everything is proving to me a bigger challenge than I was prepared for. Like I said, I really thought I had dodged this bullet. I thought they would always think everything I said was scripture and all my opinions filled with wisdom and truth.
I want to hold on tighter, I want to go back with complete understanding to when they were 3 and people would say, "this is the best time of your life". All while they were growing up I honestly believed that I thoroughly enjoyed each and every stage, that I cherished all the growing up, changing, and discovering. Now they are discovering life without the need for me and it hurts in a part of my heart that hasn't hurt before now.
The night they were born, I sat in my hospital bed with them laying on my lap side by side and had this moment of panic that I now had the ability to be hurt deeper than I ever had. My love was so strong that it terrified me. This phase of Mommy is really the first time I have started to feel that ache.
Some days I want to just yell, "don't you know NOBODY loves you as much as I do?" or "I've been there for everything, why do you push me away now?"
Truth is I want them to feel safe finding their own way. I want them to have confidence that they can make decisions absent of Chris and I. I want them to find all that God has in store. I want to them to know that they are free to grow, change, explore, stretch themselves... and it will all be okay.
I'm still here. I won't go anywhere. When it gets tough, you still have me when YOU decide you need me.
All of this..easier said than done.
Can I get an Amen?!
