If it Comes in Threes... I listen

"Be kinder than necessary- for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle"

This is a quote that I have run across 3 times in the last 24 hours.  Once on Facebook, once in an email,  and once on a blog I was reading tonight.  If I come across something twice I tend to think it's a coincidence, but when I hear something 3 times in 24 hours from different places, I stop to think about it., ponder it, and ask what's in it that I need to hear.  

Okay... ugly honest here... when I first read it my instant reaction... "yeah whatever".  Second time... "you have got to be kidding me, no one has battles unseen like I do..." and third time..."okay Lord, I'm listening."

You see, this week I have been on the fence with the whole Facebook thing again.  Keep it, or shut it down.... I have always kind of  been the person that tends to think the whole world has it easier, better, and less complicated than I do.... I know.... blah, blah, blah... cry me a river... Hey... I said ugly honest! And...  Facebook tends to affirm that.  Everyone is so stinking happy, has perfect kids, makes beautiful memories all the time, is always in love with their spouses, going on vacations, looking adorable, and pretty much living perfect lives that mine can just never come close to being like.  Bottom line, I can get VERY depressed when I'm on Facebook.  So... I go through this ever so often when I think... okay... I'm done.  My heart just can't take it... this isn't good for me.

Grant it, there are times when I read things on Facebook, tragedies usually, that make me overwhelmingly grateful for everything in my life.  Unfortunately, I tend to lean towards seeing what everyone has going for them and where I feel like I fall so short.

Have you ever noticed that when the comparison games start, we always compare up?  The person that went on a vacation we can never afford, the parents who can give their kids things I can't give mine, the home someone has that I will never come close to having.  We don't usually think about the people who have less than us and are thinking the same thing about my life... wishing for it... or should I say, coveting it.   If that was my mind set, I would be a lot more grateful than I am.

Okay... back to the quote... (btw, I have no idea who said it... none of my sources actually put who it was by... they may be a whackadoodle for all I know... but I still believe there's some truth here.)

Everyone is fighting some kind of battle.  I think this is true.  Some hide it better, maybe even using tools like Facebook to hide the battles, some have hurts that they have no idea how to put into words, something wrong but what is it?  Not everyone is comfortable with the level of "sharing" that I am... just because they don't put it out there, doesn't mean they aren't hurting and struggling.  Honestly, I wish people would be more up front with the battles in their lives as much as they are about the victories... I think it would help people to feel a bit less isolated and alone in their "stuff" knowing they aren't alone.  I'm not saying FB is where that should necessarily happen... and  Hey... don't get me wrong... I know it's vulnerable.  Do you know how many sentences in this blog post alone I have taken out or re-edited?

I will say this... I have lived both ways... open and honest and alone and isolated.  I will always fight for open and honest.  And, in my journey towards connection I will remember that everyone has their battles, their Everests to climb ... and I need to offer up more kindness and more empathy.   Oh... and for now... stay on Facebook.

Hope in Darkness

A PRAYER BY MAX LUCADO 12-15-2012

"Dear Jesus,

It's a good thing you were born at night. This world sure seems dark. I have a good eye for silver linings. But they seem dimmer lately.

These killings, Lord. These children, Lord. Innocence violated. Raw evil demonstrated.

The whole world seems on edge. Trigger-happy. Ticked off. We hear threats of chemical weapons and nuclear bombs. Are we one button-push awa

y from annihilation?

Your world seems a bit darker this Christmas. But you were born in the dark, right? You came at night. The shepherds were nightshift workers. The Wise Men followed a star. Your first cries were heard in the shadows. To see your face, Mary and Joseph needed a candle flame. It was dark. Dark with Herod's jealousy. Dark with Roman oppression. Dark with poverty. Dark with violence.

Herod went on a rampage, killing babies. Joseph took you and your mom into Egypt. You were an immigrant before you were a Nazarene.

Oh, Lord Jesus, you entered the dark world of your day. Won't you enter ours? We are weary of bloodshed. We, like the wise men, are looking for a star. We, like the shepherds, are kneeling at a manger.

This Christmas, we ask you, heal us, help us, be born anew in us.

Hopefully,

Your Children"

There have been many things posted on Facebook in the last 24 hours.  There are parents who are grieving with the families in Connecticut, there is a huge debate regarding gun control, for and against;  there are people asking how evil things are allowed to happen... so much being said.  This prayer by author Max Lucado has been the best thing I have read, a check back into reality from this nightmare our country is in.  In the midst of darkness our God IS here.  Jesus began his human journey born into a time when evil was the norm.  When King Herod, in an attempt to murder the Messiah ordered all baby boys murdered.  Hundreds, maybe thousands of babies murdered in their Mothers arms because of evil.  Darkness is here, but so is hope.

I often realize that my vision of the manger scene includes Frank Sinatra's version of "Silent Night".  Not exactly how it happened.  Darkness and fear were all around that night.  Shepherds were heralded by angels and they were "so afraid".  Joseph and Mary were alone, scared... Mary was 13... my Abbeys age.  This was not a covered-in-glitter-with-Christmas-music-playing moment.  It was however, filled with hope and joy.  When the Shepherds found the baby, when the Wisemen worshiped, as Mary and Joseph looked into the scrunched up face of their new baby boy, knowing this was also their Savior.  Jesus was there in the midst of darkness.  

So when my girls ask me like they did yesterday... how does God let this happen?  How do I answer them?  Until heaven, God's perfect love lives in us while we live in a world filled with evil.  We are in a battle... it would seem that the enemy gained ground yesterday.  That is not the end of the story.  The victory will be won, yesterday will be set right.  In Satan's attempt at spreading evil he succeeded in adding 20 little souls to the hosts of heaven.  The pain and evil that the families are left to deal with is excruciating.  Darkness is here... but so is hope... this will be set right one day... the battle is not over. Darkness is here, but so is the King of Kings, the hope that is all I can cling to.

Happy Birthday Wendy!

I was just getting ready to post a Happy Birthday message to one of my best friends in the world and decided that a Facebook Status just didn't give me enough room... I needed more space.  So, here I am... at 12:30am with plenty of space at 4 Drama Girls and a Daddy :)

I met Wendy, in person, January of 2001.  Unbeknownst to me at the time I had actually met her via email when I had sent an email to the MOPS group in Santa Rosa while we lived in Napa.  I had poured out my "lonely Mama of three girls under the age of 2 and needs some girl time" story to a strange email address on the website and Wendy was the one who had responded.  This, we actually didn't figure out until a few months into our friendship.

When I first met Wendy she told me I smelled good.  I was filling out my registration at the MOPS group (for those who don't know, MOPS stands for Mothers Of Preschoolers) and she randomly told me I smelled good.  We shared the same love of Sunflowers perfume.

Some how Wendy and I got together for a play date with our kids.  Hers were 9, 7, 5 and almost 3.  The twins were almost 4 and Abbey was 2.   I knew right away Wendy was someone I could be good friends with.

First of all, we parented very similarly... something that makes a friendship with small kids a bit easier.  We had a lot of same interests, although she informed me early on that  she was NOT a crafter... and Wendy... well... Wendy made me smile.  She laughed at my sense of humor all the time.  The first few play dates we had, I seriously had thoughts of being a stand up comic, she made me feel like I was hilarious.  To this day, I love to make Wendy laugh, and we have had plenty of that in our friendship.

Before long, we talked on the phone every day and hung out as much as we could.  Within a year we were camping and traveling with our families and our girls were best friends.  Her house was like home to me unlike any friend I had ever had.

We have been through a lot together.  Summers at Wrights Lake, Winters in Tahoe, laughing so hard in the movie theaters we pee our pants(almost), Halloweens with our kids dressed up, Christmas Eves, Trunk or Treats, July 4th BBQ's and fireworks that night,  Sports Camps, 2 surgeries, a few trips to the emergency rooms, tough times with our marriages, tough times with our kids, job losses, new jobs, new seasons of life, more Nerts and Speed than you can imagine, weight losses, weight gains, Black Fridays, Chili's for dinner and lunch (thus the whole weight loss and gain thing) tears, laughter, and to top it off... a few farts along the way.

She has been my friend through some of the darkest valleys of my life, she has cleaned my house, done my laundry and held my hand.  I will never be able to live up to the bar she has set for friendship.

One of the hardest parts of leaving Santa Rosa was my friend.  I have shed many tears in the last 18 months over Wendy.  I miss our everyday life together.  I miss a friend who gets me... all of me.  Who knows me almost as well as my husband does.  I miss the laughter.  I miss seeing her kids growing into adults... I just miss her.

Wendy's birthday is December 11th... it's taken me years not to think it's the 13th or 15th.  How I was given the blessing of being her best friend, I will never know... I feel very undeserving of it. 

I hope she knows how much she means to me.  I hope she knows I am NEVER going anywhere.  I hope she knows she is a once in a lifetime friend, and I hope, Wendy, you know how much I love you!

December 7th... It's been 29 years...

Sometimes things happen in your life that change it forever.  I'm not talking about changes that tweak your path, but the ones that pick you up from one road and place you on an entirely different one. 

 

December 7th is one of those days.  For some who don't know my entire family history, 29 years ago today my 6 year old brother Michael went ahead of our family to be with Jesus.  After a painful struggle with bone cancer, on a Wednesday night, with my Dad praying over him, and my Mom and I there as well, he took his last struggling breath and was, I believe, carried away to heaven in the arms of Jesus.

Several things I remember clearly about that night.

I remember his last breath and the silence that followed.  My Dad looked up and said, "He's gone..."

I remember the tears that started all throughout our house and my Mom telling us to keep our voices down because the doctor had told her that a persons hearing is the last thing to go. (Maybe in the medical world, but in my world, I believe it was a swift lift into eternity.)

I remember our pastor reading us scripture about death.

I remember my Mom hugging my brother because she had not been able to hold him tightly for some time.

I remember laying on our friend Brenda's lap while she played with my hair.

I remember Michael's body being removed from our home.

And, I remember that after I went to bed that night, I woke up all night, crawled to the end of my bed to look across the hall into Michael's room to see if it was all just a bad dream.

My parents had been through a tough fight with this disease that took my little brother... and now it was over.

For me, there was a sense of feeling very lost.  For a long time our family was defined by our having a terminally ill child in it and all that it entails.  It felt like, "okay... now what do we do, and who are we?"  We don't have trips to Portland to make, no more of my Mom being gone all the time.  No medical paraphernalia to fill our house with.  What happens next?

This is where the path change happened.

  

Within a couple years, we had moved to California.  We left what felt like our entire support system behind and moved to a town I had never heard of, to a bunch of people who didn't know what we had been through.

Our family had been girl, boy, girl... Laura, Michael and Amanda.

Now it would be girl, girl, boy, boy.... Laura, Amanda, Darren and David.

To the heart of a young girl this is a lot to take in during those early years of tweendom and teenage years.  Lost actually doesn't begin to cover all the things I felt during this time.  

However, 29 years later, I have a different perspective on the path that was changed for us.  

Because of Michael's death we moved to California and gained an entire new community of friends.  These are the friends I went through Jr. High and High school with.  This was the community that I found my husband in, got married, and had 3 girls in.  This is where my sister grew up and had her sweet little Lucas.

Because of Michael's death, my parents decided to have more children.  Darren and David would not be a part of our family had Michael not died.  My sister in laws Holly and Sarah would be strangers to us, and my nephews DJ, Jared and Jax would not be.

Even though Michael was taken, much has been given since.  The memories I have of my brother are written on my heart along with another life that would have been much different.

I am so thankful for the life that God brought out of that tragedy... for the lives that exist today.  

Someday, my brother will meet all this nieces and nephews and the two brothers he never knew.  Someday, eternity will hold my entire family in it's hands, we will all be reunited.  This journey here will be just a small blip in time.  Until then I am grateful for the path that God gave our family and people and places it has taken me.  I am grateful for the 6 years He gave us with Michael and I am thankful that I have a brother waiting for me in heaven.   

Sometimes life changes and it's easy to see in the moment all that we have lost,  but we must always remember that our Father in heaven has good things for us.  We are safe on His path for us.  We can trust that path, even in the dark valleys.  Beauty from Ashes... that's part of His promise.