Facebook

Life is not always easy is it?  Today on Facebook I was reminded of something a friend once told me. "If you are feeling hopeless about an area of your life, you are probably listening to a lie."
Truth.... now just to get myself to stop believing it!
Thanks Dibba

Sharks and Mosquito Eaters

You know those big ugly bugs that fly really slow and fly like they're drunk, well in the Thompson house we call those Mosquito Eaters.  In our house they mostly fly on the ceiling and pretty much keep to themselves. 

Well, one of my daughters is extremely afraid of them.  I tried to explain to her that you can literally catch them by the leg and throw them outside... this is how docile they are.  She doesn't care, in her mind they are the creepiest thing in God's creation.  Oh my girl you have got to get over this.... 

(This coming from her mother who was to scared to take a bath when I was pregnant with her because of my fear of sharks!) 

Fill the Gaps

Parenting.... need I say more?

I felt like a pro at it at one time in my life.  Back when my opinions were their opinions,  they were sleeping through the night at 6 weeks old, and parenting decisions included how to keep them from splashing in  the toilet, or "washing" the cat.

Am I the only one who feels that the parenting manual got left at the hospital?  Do situations ever come up for you where you have absolutely no idea what the correct response is?  The responsibility of raising three girls that you want to grow up loving the Lord, knowing how to "do hard", knowing how to love people, knowing how to make good decisions, balanced with wanting them to know how much you desperately love them, how far you would go to protect them, and how crazy you are about them, is not an easy path for me at times.  I find that lately, I am questioning myself all the time.  Was I too hard, was I not hard enough,  did I pick a fight I shouldn't have, now I've picked the fight do I  have to see it through? 

When they were all born, the realization hit me that my heart no longer belonged to myself, the thought of them hurting, felt in that moment, like it would kill me.  I naively thought that my girls would never,  for even a moment, feel things like rejection, loneliness, abandonment, or unloved.  Now however, I see them navigating through school, relationships, heart aches and decisions and I know that even hurting is part of this whole thing.  I can't make it all better, or fix it all.. and sometimes that scares me.  This transition from my little girls to women is hard to watch at times. They will go through those feelings, they will face those things,  and most of all... they have to know how to get on the other side of them.

Sigh... "am I doing it right Lord? ...  please fill in the gaps where I fall so very short? Please give me wisdom that only comes from You!"  That's my prayer tonight, and I know that as much as I love them, this is a grain of sand next to the Love their Father in Heaven has for them.  He can direct them through ANYTHING, He is the healer, the one with the real power to touch their hearts and heal the hurts in ways that I can't.  Fill in the gaps... please Heavenly Father... fill in the gaps.

Long Over Due Update!

Since I have received so many emails and messages wondering how I am doing physically, I thought I would just type it all out in a blog post.
Since my last post, finding out that I was B12 deficient, my health has been an up and down roller coaster.  One that I am very excited to see end.
The B12 made a HUGE difference, but took about 4 weeks to figure out how much and how often I needed it.  Unfortunately that meant many more days, off and on, of feeling tired, nauseous, weak, and throwing up.  With that finally figured out I now know that I do not produce Intrinsic Factor (the protein produced to carry B12 from food to your blood cells) so I will be on weekly B12 shots indefinately.  Thankfully, they are pretty pain free ;)
About 2 and a half weeks ago, I got very sick again and have been told it was not related to my B12 issues of January and February, although I find that hard to believe.
I passed a Kidney stone, which was followed by a bacterial kidney infection.  This leads me to Sunday March 10th, and the real reason I want to share this story.
That afternoon I was feeling really sick... miserable.  I had been on antibiotics for my kidney infection for a day and was fighting a VERY high fever.  It was almost 104 and on tylenol, the lowest I could get it was 102.4.
My Mom called to check on me and told me I needed to call the ER, where I had just been for my kidney stone and see if I needed to come back.
Now, I don't know about most people, but I am always fearful of coming across as a baby... or a hypochondriac... trust me, I have found over the last few months that there are those who are not understanding of prolonged sickness.  I will have tons and tons of grace for sick people for the rest of my life. :)
Because of this, I didn't want to just go to the ER... after calling I was told that since I was already on antibiotics, I should be turning a corner soon, and the fever was expected, although high, with a bacterial infection.  The nurse said the only reason to come in was if my pain got unmanageable.  I was hurting, but not too bad.
When I got off the phone, I had such an uneasiness in the pit of my stomach and the depths of my heart... I felt like I needed to go to the hospital, but didn't want the unneccesary bills, trouble to the family ect.  So... I prayed... I asked the Lord that if I needed to go to the hospital, He would bring on the pain.  Within the hour I was in excruciating pain, I could hardly walk, and thought I was probably dying.  I had my answer.
We went to the emergency room, where I was hooked up to an IV, tested and medicated heavily pretty quickly.
I was admitted for my "infection" much to my surprise and began intense doses of IV antibiotics and VERY strong pain medication (think hallucinations for days).... NOT fun!
It took about 4 days to get my temperature down... this included being packed with ice packs, but thankfully it did the job.
Now if all this sounds a bit intense for a kidney infection, join the crowd... turns out it wasn't just a kidney infection... I had developed Sepsis.  My  kidney infection had turned septic, meaning the infection was in my blood stream.
The medical statistics of Sepsis are scary to read.  The fatality rate is very high.  Mostly because, being a secondary infection, people think they are treating the primary infection and just need to wait for their medicine to start working.  Unfortunately, much of the time, people get to the hospital too late.
I cannot  tell you how thankful I am that the Lord answered my prayer and sent me to the hospital when He did.  I may not have been here to share this story had He not.
The recovery from Sepsis is not a quick recovery, after a week in the hospital, I came home with more antibiotics and still am having pain in my kidney.  This is expected according to the doctors and I pray I am well on my way to being completely well.
For those who have sent me messages that they have been praying for me.... thank you so much.  It has been a tough few months, but I have not been alone, even when I felt like I was. Your prayers and encouragement have meant so much to Chris and I... please keep them coming! 

 

6 Hours and Fingers Crossed

It's been 6 hours since I had my first B12 shot and what a difference a few hours has made.

The blood work from Friday has shown many things that are off.... however the first hole in the damn that the doctor is treating is my B12 levels.  He told Chris this morning I have the lowest B12 level he has ever seen in his career as a doctor... apparently, it's really low.  Sooo... into the doctor I went for my first shot.  I left super exhausted, dizzy, and totally nauseous.  I left feeling discouraged that with all that is wrong in my blood, they are taking this first step and then seeing what happens.  I feel like my life has a pause button on it, but I am actually watching it all go by from my couch.  I am so tired of feeling sick and just want to be better!!!  I have to admit, I was feeling very skeptical... however... the last few hours have actually made a very big difference.  I am amazed at the life that has returned to my body.  I honestly, at times this weekend, felt like I was dying, like my body was shutting down.  Now, I feel like someone is breathing life into my body.  It's only been a few hours, tomorrow morning will be a huge tell for me when I see if I wake up throwing up, but for now I am feeling encouraged tonight.  I have a clear head, although I have a slight headache, I can walk to the bathroom by myself, I can sit up and be on my lap top, I even walked to the kitchen and opened the fridge... all of these huge for me.

I really want to find out why my body isn't absorbing B12, but even if I have to have these shots for the rest of my life, I will be thankful.  

I was amazed tonight when I went online and read all the facebook prayers and well wishes.  My Mom, my sister, my daughters, my friends.... all posting things and asking for my prayers.  It has been such a blessing tonight to remember my sweet friends in Santa Rosa... many of whom I know would have been here at my side this weekend taking care of me if they could... a bittersweet reminder of my"family" in Sonoma County.  I have been held up in prayer all weekend by my new Chico friends and family and I am so blessed to have that.  Thank you to all who have texted, called, emailed, and Facebooked me and my family.  We still need prayer, I don't believe this is going to a quick fix to figure out how to get all my blood levels where they need to be, but I am encouraged tonight.  

Never underestimate the power of prayer.  I have felt surrounded by love this weekend and I know that prayer is getting me through all this...  well, that and my husband who has become my personal nurse :)  

It feels so good to go to bed tonight with a little hope and encouragement! 

Some Days All You Can Do Is Blog

As I sit here watching one day turn into the next my heart is heavy and overloaded.  Not knowing is the worst part... and yet I will somehow feel so guilty if this turns out to be nothing.

As I shared in my earlier post, I have been sick for over a month now.  Somewhere in the beginning I did have the flu, I must have as I had a high fever, the shakes, chills, aches and icky cough that goes with it.  Many around me had the flu and I was told it was a long one. I was even told people were experiencing sickness up to 2 weeks... so... I thought I would ride it out.  All symptoms slowly went away except one... nausea and vomiting.  I have been doing it every day for almost 5 weeks now.  Some days are better than others.... good days mean I am just sick in the morning and regain a bit of strength in the afternoon and evening... however looking at it, even my "feeling okay" is not what it was a couple months ago.  Bad days, like today, I throw up several times, feel very weak and extremely nauseous most of the day.

I went to the doctor over a week ago and had blood work done.  After persistent calling and the doctors misplacing and then finding my results, the doctor called me today.  He had several results and not a whole lot of answers except to tell me three times in our conversation that I needed to come in TODAY for more blood work... he mentioned that I had anemia... not new news to me... and that my red blood cells, white blood cells and platelet counts are very concerning.  I asked him if it could be something serious and his reply was, yes it could be very serious, but let's take one step at a time.  He believes I am going to need a bone marrow test and then we will go from there.  The thing that freaked me out in the conversation was all that he wasn't saying.  I got the sense that he was holding back, not wanting to scare me, but he was concerned.

Now I started out after this phone call refusing to even look at the internet.... unfortunately, my worrying and curiosity has gotten the best of me.  According to my blood cell counts there are several things this could be... some are treatable with medication and easily taken care of... others take you all the way to the C word.

I am scared... I am beyond exhausted from feeling this cruddy... and I feel crushed in my spirit.  As soon as I got off the phone with my Dr.  my phone sent me my daily verse for the day... "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18

He is near me... during this long weekend as I wait for more information... He is near me... I have no choice but to believe this, although I have constantly confessed my unbelief to Him today... He is near me.  

Of course my mind wants to take me to every horrible place that it can imagine, to keep me prisoner to fear, but I will not be sucked into that because He is near me.  Not only does He hold my health, but He holds my future, He holds my heart that has loved my husband since I was 17, He holds my Mama's heart, and He holds this weekend.  Every slow minute... He holds in His hand.  If I can't entrust the creator of Heaven and earth... the creator of everyone of my blood cells, what can I trust?  

Nothing... only Him... only Him

Taking for Granted

Over the last month I have learned a hard lesson. 

I take.... my health....  for granted!

It's one of those things that you aren't typically thankful for on a daily basis until you don't have it anymore.  Well... I don't have it anymore and would do just about anything at this point to get it back.

For unknown reasons (yes I have gone to the doctor, no they don't have answers yet) I have thrown up every day for over 4 weeks now.  Some days are better than others... some days it's right when I wake up and then I feel okay the rest of the day.  More days are throwing up until early afternoon and then feeling woozy, dizzy and nauseated for the rest of the day.  I don't know why this is happening and discouraging isn't quite a strong enough word for how I am feeling about it at this point. My doctor can't seem to come up with any answers and all the reasons I read about on the internet for chronic nausea and vomiting quite frankly freak me out!   I feel like I can hardly remember what it felt like to feel good all day long and not think about when I would be sick next or what sounds good to eat ( not much...)

Back to my health.  

Being overweight is something I have struggled with for years... I've always been one of those people that get told I have a pretty face, or beautiful eyes... so if I was a walking head... I'd be okay.  Unfortunately there's a lot more to me than just a face.  This last month has really convicted me about taking care of the health I have been given.  I have abused it, and ignored it for far too long, and that needs to change.  Not to be skinny (hey... not that I wouldn't love that) but to take care of something that doesn't last forever.  God has given me one life, with one body... He's entrusted me with it... I need to show that I am trustworthy... that I can do better.

In order for this to happen really regularly, I need to get this current stuff figured out.  Prayer is appreciated... I know God's got this, He created my body and knows what I need... I am trusting in His timing for healing and looking to see what He wants to teach me through this.  It's hard to do some days, to believe God's still got me, that He will never leave me or forsake me... but I know that is the truth.  My  prayer is that when all is said and done, I remember this lesson and make the changes that need to be made.   

Sigh... it is such a  journey isn't it?

Finally 40!

This week I finally turn 40.  I have been waiting to turn 40 for a very long time.  I think  I have been anticipating this coveted age for about 12 years. The reason...? 40 is cool... 40 is grown up... 40 says... "I am woman hear me roar" 40 is no longer young... no one can call me a baby anymore... I mean... I'm gonna be 40 you know?  

Cool people are 40... really cool women are 40.  Women who are 40 seem to have found their voices... they are okay saying no, they say what they want, they know what they want, they don't take crap from no one!  Okay... so maybe I have built this age milestone up in my head just a little bit?  All the same... I can finally say... I'm 40!

On the other hand... I had this thought this morning.  If God gives me 80 years... I am half way done.  That gave me a very sad feeling of being on the back end of something.... like all the fresh, new, first time experiences are behind me... sniff.... sniff..... 

Naaaaaaa!!!! I still get to have Grand-babies!!!!! WOOOHOOOO!!!!!

Okay... all joking aside. I'm turning 40...

So... in the last 40 years, here is a list of my "so far" experiences:

I was born into a family that loved me

I have a Mom and Dad who love me and are proud of me

I have a wonderful sister, and 2 great brothers who supply me with adorable nephews

I have a brother in heaven who is waiting for me

I have been on 5 mission trips to foreign countries

I had a great experience in Junior High and High School with amazing friends

I have fallen in love

I had a beautiful wedding with aforementioned love

I have lived in 3 states (2 of which gave me snow!)

I had 3 beautiful, healthy baby girls

I have served in ministry, full and part time with my husband

I have had some amazing church families

I have been a theater teacher 

I had my very own herd of COWS

I have made Kindred spirit friends that will walk with me into eternity

I have met people whose stories have forever changed my life

I have laughed until I thought I would have a heart attack

I have felt joy straight from heaven

I have cried buckets and buckets of tears

I have felt pain I was sure would kill me

I have prayed for hours... no days...

I have witnessed miracles and

I have walked through valleys, mountain tops and deserts with my Lord

And just think.... this is just the beginning... because after all... I am 40 you know... :)

If it Comes in Threes... I listen

"Be kinder than necessary- for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle"

This is a quote that I have run across 3 times in the last 24 hours.  Once on Facebook, once in an email,  and once on a blog I was reading tonight.  If I come across something twice I tend to think it's a coincidence, but when I hear something 3 times in 24 hours from different places, I stop to think about it., ponder it, and ask what's in it that I need to hear.  

Okay... ugly honest here... when I first read it my instant reaction... "yeah whatever".  Second time... "you have got to be kidding me, no one has battles unseen like I do..." and third time..."okay Lord, I'm listening."

You see, this week I have been on the fence with the whole Facebook thing again.  Keep it, or shut it down.... I have always kind of  been the person that tends to think the whole world has it easier, better, and less complicated than I do.... I know.... blah, blah, blah... cry me a river... Hey... I said ugly honest! And...  Facebook tends to affirm that.  Everyone is so stinking happy, has perfect kids, makes beautiful memories all the time, is always in love with their spouses, going on vacations, looking adorable, and pretty much living perfect lives that mine can just never come close to being like.  Bottom line, I can get VERY depressed when I'm on Facebook.  So... I go through this ever so often when I think... okay... I'm done.  My heart just can't take it... this isn't good for me.

Grant it, there are times when I read things on Facebook, tragedies usually, that make me overwhelmingly grateful for everything in my life.  Unfortunately, I tend to lean towards seeing what everyone has going for them and where I feel like I fall so short.

Have you ever noticed that when the comparison games start, we always compare up?  The person that went on a vacation we can never afford, the parents who can give their kids things I can't give mine, the home someone has that I will never come close to having.  We don't usually think about the people who have less than us and are thinking the same thing about my life... wishing for it... or should I say, coveting it.   If that was my mind set, I would be a lot more grateful than I am.

Okay... back to the quote... (btw, I have no idea who said it... none of my sources actually put who it was by... they may be a whackadoodle for all I know... but I still believe there's some truth here.)

Everyone is fighting some kind of battle.  I think this is true.  Some hide it better, maybe even using tools like Facebook to hide the battles, some have hurts that they have no idea how to put into words, something wrong but what is it?  Not everyone is comfortable with the level of "sharing" that I am... just because they don't put it out there, doesn't mean they aren't hurting and struggling.  Honestly, I wish people would be more up front with the battles in their lives as much as they are about the victories... I think it would help people to feel a bit less isolated and alone in their "stuff" knowing they aren't alone.  I'm not saying FB is where that should necessarily happen... and  Hey... don't get me wrong... I know it's vulnerable.  Do you know how many sentences in this blog post alone I have taken out or re-edited?

I will say this... I have lived both ways... open and honest and alone and isolated.  I will always fight for open and honest.  And, in my journey towards connection I will remember that everyone has their battles, their Everests to climb ... and I need to offer up more kindness and more empathy.   Oh... and for now... stay on Facebook.

Hope in Darkness

A PRAYER BY MAX LUCADO 12-15-2012

"Dear Jesus,

It's a good thing you were born at night. This world sure seems dark. I have a good eye for silver linings. But they seem dimmer lately.

These killings, Lord. These children, Lord. Innocence violated. Raw evil demonstrated.

The whole world seems on edge. Trigger-happy. Ticked off. We hear threats of chemical weapons and nuclear bombs. Are we one button-push awa

y from annihilation?

Your world seems a bit darker this Christmas. But you were born in the dark, right? You came at night. The shepherds were nightshift workers. The Wise Men followed a star. Your first cries were heard in the shadows. To see your face, Mary and Joseph needed a candle flame. It was dark. Dark with Herod's jealousy. Dark with Roman oppression. Dark with poverty. Dark with violence.

Herod went on a rampage, killing babies. Joseph took you and your mom into Egypt. You were an immigrant before you were a Nazarene.

Oh, Lord Jesus, you entered the dark world of your day. Won't you enter ours? We are weary of bloodshed. We, like the wise men, are looking for a star. We, like the shepherds, are kneeling at a manger.

This Christmas, we ask you, heal us, help us, be born anew in us.

Hopefully,

Your Children"

There have been many things posted on Facebook in the last 24 hours.  There are parents who are grieving with the families in Connecticut, there is a huge debate regarding gun control, for and against;  there are people asking how evil things are allowed to happen... so much being said.  This prayer by author Max Lucado has been the best thing I have read, a check back into reality from this nightmare our country is in.  In the midst of darkness our God IS here.  Jesus began his human journey born into a time when evil was the norm.  When King Herod, in an attempt to murder the Messiah ordered all baby boys murdered.  Hundreds, maybe thousands of babies murdered in their Mothers arms because of evil.  Darkness is here, but so is hope.

I often realize that my vision of the manger scene includes Frank Sinatra's version of "Silent Night".  Not exactly how it happened.  Darkness and fear were all around that night.  Shepherds were heralded by angels and they were "so afraid".  Joseph and Mary were alone, scared... Mary was 13... my Abbeys age.  This was not a covered-in-glitter-with-Christmas-music-playing moment.  It was however, filled with hope and joy.  When the Shepherds found the baby, when the Wisemen worshiped, as Mary and Joseph looked into the scrunched up face of their new baby boy, knowing this was also their Savior.  Jesus was there in the midst of darkness.  

So when my girls ask me like they did yesterday... how does God let this happen?  How do I answer them?  Until heaven, God's perfect love lives in us while we live in a world filled with evil.  We are in a battle... it would seem that the enemy gained ground yesterday.  That is not the end of the story.  The victory will be won, yesterday will be set right.  In Satan's attempt at spreading evil he succeeded in adding 20 little souls to the hosts of heaven.  The pain and evil that the families are left to deal with is excruciating.  Darkness is here... but so is hope... this will be set right one day... the battle is not over. Darkness is here, but so is the King of Kings, the hope that is all I can cling to.

Happy Birthday Wendy!

I was just getting ready to post a Happy Birthday message to one of my best friends in the world and decided that a Facebook Status just didn't give me enough room... I needed more space.  So, here I am... at 12:30am with plenty of space at 4 Drama Girls and a Daddy :)

I met Wendy, in person, January of 2001.  Unbeknownst to me at the time I had actually met her via email when I had sent an email to the MOPS group in Santa Rosa while we lived in Napa.  I had poured out my "lonely Mama of three girls under the age of 2 and needs some girl time" story to a strange email address on the website and Wendy was the one who had responded.  This, we actually didn't figure out until a few months into our friendship.

When I first met Wendy she told me I smelled good.  I was filling out my registration at the MOPS group (for those who don't know, MOPS stands for Mothers Of Preschoolers) and she randomly told me I smelled good.  We shared the same love of Sunflowers perfume.

Some how Wendy and I got together for a play date with our kids.  Hers were 9, 7, 5 and almost 3.  The twins were almost 4 and Abbey was 2.   I knew right away Wendy was someone I could be good friends with.

First of all, we parented very similarly... something that makes a friendship with small kids a bit easier.  We had a lot of same interests, although she informed me early on that  she was NOT a crafter... and Wendy... well... Wendy made me smile.  She laughed at my sense of humor all the time.  The first few play dates we had, I seriously had thoughts of being a stand up comic, she made me feel like I was hilarious.  To this day, I love to make Wendy laugh, and we have had plenty of that in our friendship.

Before long, we talked on the phone every day and hung out as much as we could.  Within a year we were camping and traveling with our families and our girls were best friends.  Her house was like home to me unlike any friend I had ever had.

We have been through a lot together.  Summers at Wrights Lake, Winters in Tahoe, laughing so hard in the movie theaters we pee our pants(almost), Halloweens with our kids dressed up, Christmas Eves, Trunk or Treats, July 4th BBQ's and fireworks that night,  Sports Camps, 2 surgeries, a few trips to the emergency rooms, tough times with our marriages, tough times with our kids, job losses, new jobs, new seasons of life, more Nerts and Speed than you can imagine, weight losses, weight gains, Black Fridays, Chili's for dinner and lunch (thus the whole weight loss and gain thing) tears, laughter, and to top it off... a few farts along the way.

She has been my friend through some of the darkest valleys of my life, she has cleaned my house, done my laundry and held my hand.  I will never be able to live up to the bar she has set for friendship.

One of the hardest parts of leaving Santa Rosa was my friend.  I have shed many tears in the last 18 months over Wendy.  I miss our everyday life together.  I miss a friend who gets me... all of me.  Who knows me almost as well as my husband does.  I miss the laughter.  I miss seeing her kids growing into adults... I just miss her.

Wendy's birthday is December 11th... it's taken me years not to think it's the 13th or 15th.  How I was given the blessing of being her best friend, I will never know... I feel very undeserving of it. 

I hope she knows how much she means to me.  I hope she knows I am NEVER going anywhere.  I hope she knows she is a once in a lifetime friend, and I hope, Wendy, you know how much I love you!