Friends, This is Tricia, Tricia, These are my Friends

Tricia, thank you for this guest post.  Thank you for who you are and how much you have touched my life.  Most importantly, thank you for putting into beautiful words how so many of us feel about our own confidence.  You are loved my friend!

For my dear friends and readers, meet Tricia Williford, you're gonna love her!

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Let’s start with an invitation: I’d like to invite you to stop being unhappy with yourself. To stop wishing you looked like someone else, or that people liked you as much as they like someone else, or that you could get the attention of people who hurt you. I’d like to invite you to stop second-guessing all of your decisions and commitments, to stop wondering if your life were different had you only chosen the mystery prize behind door number two. 

I’m writing to you working moms who think you’re not doing enough to be present at home, and to you stay-at-home-moms—to those of you who are unapologetically content at home, who worry about getting things right in your long days with the little people who hold your heart; and to the ones among us who miss working outside the home, who feel like you lost your confidence somewhere among crumbs and dirty diapers. I’m thinking of you single women who feel incomplete or not enough because you’re not married. I’m writing to you single moms who balance more than you were ever meant to carry alone, and to you women who live with a failure, a betrayal, or a loss that has stolen every bit of who you thought you were. 

I am inviting all of you, all of us, to a new conversation. I’d love to invite you to stop hating your body, your face, your figure, your hair, your freckles (or lack of them), your personality, your quirks. You’re worth more than these self-imposed opinions. It doesn’t matter when you began torturing yourself with criticism, but it needs to stop today. And here’s what I’d love to convince you of right here, right now: 

You can do this.

When you’ve finished reading this book, I hope you’ll think, This book made me think and laugh, and now I feel like I can do this next thing in front of me. I hope you’ll feel hope, courage, strength, encouragement, presence, freedom, and confidence to move forward into your life with the awareness that you were born for this. I hope, girl to girl and eye to eye, we can remember that we are called to claim complete confidence.  

Finding your confidence is a miracle. I know this because I found mine. And when I looked hard at the woman I’ve become, when I finally recognized the courageous warrior hidden in this frame, I was surprised by joy and astonished by awe. I want the same awareness for you.

Join me, girlfriend. Let’s do this. 

See you in the pages, 

Tricia

Reclaiming Confidence

Here I go.... I'm jumping back in with both feet! I almost just started a brand new blog... ( I am a little embarrassed by my extended leave of absence's) it has been almost three years you know.  Then I thought, this is my journey, this is who I am.  I'm not going to apologize for my lack of confidence that keeps me from writing, I'm simply going to write again.

What better way to reinsert myself into this blogging community once more, than to introduce you to a friend that I met via her blog, www.tricialottwilliford.com .  I say my friend, however, we have never met in person.  At least not yet :) 

I "met" Tricia Williford when I was walking through a very dark valley and was instantly drawn to her honest, transparent and open writing.  You see, Tricia was walking through a valley of her own. At 30 years old, she had just become a widow with two very small boys. The first blog post I read of hers was just days after suddenly loosing her husband.  Three hours later, a box of tissue and no makeup left on my face, I loved this girl. 

Her writing and her story have impacted my life more than I can describe.  So many of her dark days, mirrored many of mine; and her faith, perseverance, and "here I am for better or worse" attitude have been a profound encouragement to me over these last 6 years. 

Tricia's story is one of beauty from ashes and she has told it not only on her blog, but as a best-selling author.  Her books include, "And Life Comes Back", "Let's Pretend We're Normal", and her third book "You Can Do This".

I have been blessed to be a part of Tricia's launch team for "You Can Do This" and received my launch-team-copy (yes, I was very proud of this) a couple months ago.  

I have read the book twice, each time my pages get more and more colorful with notes, underlines, highlights, stars, exclamation marks and even some tear stains.

From the very first page of the introduction, you feel as though you have pulled up a chair with a friend who knows your heart, understands so many of your struggles, and genuinely cares for you.  Her passion for seeing women grow in confidence and be set free from all of the confidence "stealers" we have lived with, is so real, so heart felt, I promise you will fall in love with this amazing writer. 

Each chapter will give you a definition of "the confident girl".  What she looks like, who she listens to, who she allows to pull up a chair and have a voice in her head and heart, and then how we can step into that confidence.

The confident girl... 

• knows where her identity lies
• feels how she feels and is okay with it
• can be alone and even enjoy her own company
• is thankful for how God has created her
• chooses carefully who has influence over her

"You Can Do This" has been a game changer in my life.  It is real, it gets down to the root of our confidence struggles and then gives us hope that it doesn't HAVE to be that way.

If I can do this, I'm telling you... "You Can do This" too!

Available at Amazon.com  

A New Phase of Mommy

The day I honestly thought would never come (when I tell you what it is you will probably think me very naive) has finally come.

My girls (the two that shared my womb together) have decided that they don't need me for everything, and that they want to decide everything without me.

I know, I know... "this is normal".  Or so I've been told by anyone who will listen to my hurting Mama's heart.

Call it naive, call it ignorant, but I honestly and truthfully thought I had dodged this bullet.  I mean, I was expecting it around 14,15,16... it never happened.  I was still the first one they wanted to share with, first one they went to for advice, first one for all of it.  We talked about everything,sometimes things I couldn't believe they wanted to talk to me about, and I was very proud of that fact; my girls still listened to me.  My girls hadn't pulled away from me, I wasn't "that" Mom, no role of the eyes and "oh please Mom's" for this girl!

Ah Hem... yeah right!

This year (honestly about 3 weeks before Senior year started) I all of a sudden became exceptionally dumb and a major nerd all in one fell swoop!

I get the looks that say, "Did you seriously just say that?" or "You sooo don't get it."  Just a few months ago my witty banter and listening ear were my crowning laurels... now... well... to be honest.... I'm not totally sure what to do with myself.

I miss them, and yet I see them everyday.  I worry that I'll never feel close to them again.  I've been told that they will come out of this, that one day they will look back and actually think I did an okay job.  I honestly just didn't see this coming.

I've really struggled, I mean big time!  Letting them be who they are, completely separate from Chris and I is hard stuff.  It's filled with trust and hope, all the while battling fear and doubt.

Letting them try to find their way without my guidance on everything is proving to me a bigger challenge than I was prepared for.  Like I said, I really thought I had dodged this bullet.  I thought they would always think everything I said was scripture and all my opinions filled with wisdom and truth.

I want to hold on tighter, I want to go back with complete understanding to when they were 3 and people would say, "this is the best time of your life".  All while they were growing up I honestly believed that I thoroughly enjoyed each and every stage, that I cherished all the growing up, changing, and discovering.  Now they are discovering life without the need for me and it hurts in a part of my heart that hasn't hurt before now.  

The night they were born, I sat in my hospital bed with them laying on my lap side by side and had this moment of panic that I now had the ability to be hurt deeper than I ever had. My love was so strong that it terrified me.  This phase of Mommy is really the first time I have started to feel that ache.  

Some days I want to just yell, "don't you know NOBODY loves you as much as I do?" or "I've been there for everything, why do you push me away now?"

Truth is I want them to feel safe finding their own way.  I want them to have confidence that they can make decisions absent of Chris and I.  I want them to find all that God has in store.  I want to them to know that they are free to grow, change, explore, stretch themselves... and it will all be okay.  

I'm still here. I won't go anywhere.  When it gets tough, you still have me when YOU decide you need me.

All of this..easier said than done.

Can I get an Amen?!

Making a Comeback!

It's been 13 months since I last wrote on my blog.  Too long I think.  The biggest reason I haven't blogged is because of the difficult stuff that I've been going through all year.  Every time I would go to write I would think, "No one wants to hear my sob stories again."  So, I haven't written.
I guess you could say at this point that I don't care if someone doesn't like it, they don't have to read it.  I, however, am not going to let it keep me from writing.
I read a blog post today that was so ugly honest and touched me so deeply.  If that writer had the same attitude I've had for the last 13 months, I would have truly missed out.  And so... I'm back!  For better or for worse, here I am again blogging world!

Happy Birthday Mom

I worked late tonight so I didn't get a chance to write my birthday post to my Mom.  Today is her birthday, I won't say how old she is, but I think Social Security may be sending her  some birthday money.

This year has been a big year for my Mom.  For the first time since her and my Dad got married they are finally out on their own.  They had to fly the coop to find their empty nest, but they found it, after 37 years by becoming full time RVers.  They are loving it, and I couldn't be happier for them.  Key words being "for them".  I miss my Mom terribly when she's gone. I'm 40 years old and I miss her. 

I am so grateful to say that and get the ache in my heart that I do.  You see, growing up things weren't all that easy between my Mom and I.  We are simular in many ways and that seemed to put us at odds with one another often.  I always felt like she didn't see me, and didn't "get" me.  As a Mom now, I know she probably felt very much the same.

God has done something in our relationship that for a long time, I doubted would happen.  She is a go to girl in my life.  She is someone I always know is there for me, someone who I know, no matter what is always proud of me, someone who gets me, sees me and never forgets me.  She's not just my Mom, she's a best friend.  I know that some of this happens as we get older, our kids get older and we start going through some of the same things our parents did with us; but I truly believe it is something that was healed between us as well.

The love I have for my own girls is overwhelmingly gut wrenching and joy filled, sometimes so much I don't know if my heart can hold it.   You know what? My Mom feels the same way about me, and I am unbelievable blessed to be loved by her.

Mom, Happy Birthday.  I hope that I can walk the next 21 years of my life as beautifully as you have.  I hope that when my girls grow up, I can be as wonderful a Mom and friend to them as you are to me.  I miss you all the time and yet I am ecstatic for this time in your life.  This year is going to be amazing for you and you've earned it.

Facebook

Life is not always easy is it?  Today on Facebook I was reminded of something a friend once told me. "If you are feeling hopeless about an area of your life, you are probably listening to a lie."
Truth.... now just to get myself to stop believing it!
Thanks Dibba

Sharks and Mosquito Eaters

You know those big ugly bugs that fly really slow and fly like they're drunk, well in the Thompson house we call those Mosquito Eaters.  In our house they mostly fly on the ceiling and pretty much keep to themselves. 

Well, one of my daughters is extremely afraid of them.  I tried to explain to her that you can literally catch them by the leg and throw them outside... this is how docile they are.  She doesn't care, in her mind they are the creepiest thing in God's creation.  Oh my girl you have got to get over this.... 

(This coming from her mother who was to scared to take a bath when I was pregnant with her because of my fear of sharks!) 

Fill the Gaps

Parenting.... need I say more?

I felt like a pro at it at one time in my life.  Back when my opinions were their opinions,  they were sleeping through the night at 6 weeks old, and parenting decisions included how to keep them from splashing in  the toilet, or "washing" the cat.

Am I the only one who feels that the parenting manual got left at the hospital?  Do situations ever come up for you where you have absolutely no idea what the correct response is?  The responsibility of raising three girls that you want to grow up loving the Lord, knowing how to "do hard", knowing how to love people, knowing how to make good decisions, balanced with wanting them to know how much you desperately love them, how far you would go to protect them, and how crazy you are about them, is not an easy path for me at times.  I find that lately, I am questioning myself all the time.  Was I too hard, was I not hard enough,  did I pick a fight I shouldn't have, now I've picked the fight do I  have to see it through? 

When they were all born, the realization hit me that my heart no longer belonged to myself, the thought of them hurting, felt in that moment, like it would kill me.  I naively thought that my girls would never,  for even a moment, feel things like rejection, loneliness, abandonment, or unloved.  Now however, I see them navigating through school, relationships, heart aches and decisions and I know that even hurting is part of this whole thing.  I can't make it all better, or fix it all.. and sometimes that scares me.  This transition from my little girls to women is hard to watch at times. They will go through those feelings, they will face those things,  and most of all... they have to know how to get on the other side of them.

Sigh... "am I doing it right Lord? ...  please fill in the gaps where I fall so very short? Please give me wisdom that only comes from You!"  That's my prayer tonight, and I know that as much as I love them, this is a grain of sand next to the Love their Father in Heaven has for them.  He can direct them through ANYTHING, He is the healer, the one with the real power to touch their hearts and heal the hurts in ways that I can't.  Fill in the gaps... please Heavenly Father... fill in the gaps.

Long Over Due Update!

Since I have received so many emails and messages wondering how I am doing physically, I thought I would just type it all out in a blog post.
Since my last post, finding out that I was B12 deficient, my health has been an up and down roller coaster.  One that I am very excited to see end.
The B12 made a HUGE difference, but took about 4 weeks to figure out how much and how often I needed it.  Unfortunately that meant many more days, off and on, of feeling tired, nauseous, weak, and throwing up.  With that finally figured out I now know that I do not produce Intrinsic Factor (the protein produced to carry B12 from food to your blood cells) so I will be on weekly B12 shots indefinately.  Thankfully, they are pretty pain free ;)
About 2 and a half weeks ago, I got very sick again and have been told it was not related to my B12 issues of January and February, although I find that hard to believe.
I passed a Kidney stone, which was followed by a bacterial kidney infection.  This leads me to Sunday March 10th, and the real reason I want to share this story.
That afternoon I was feeling really sick... miserable.  I had been on antibiotics for my kidney infection for a day and was fighting a VERY high fever.  It was almost 104 and on tylenol, the lowest I could get it was 102.4.
My Mom called to check on me and told me I needed to call the ER, where I had just been for my kidney stone and see if I needed to come back.
Now, I don't know about most people, but I am always fearful of coming across as a baby... or a hypochondriac... trust me, I have found over the last few months that there are those who are not understanding of prolonged sickness.  I will have tons and tons of grace for sick people for the rest of my life. :)
Because of this, I didn't want to just go to the ER... after calling I was told that since I was already on antibiotics, I should be turning a corner soon, and the fever was expected, although high, with a bacterial infection.  The nurse said the only reason to come in was if my pain got unmanageable.  I was hurting, but not too bad.
When I got off the phone, I had such an uneasiness in the pit of my stomach and the depths of my heart... I felt like I needed to go to the hospital, but didn't want the unneccesary bills, trouble to the family ect.  So... I prayed... I asked the Lord that if I needed to go to the hospital, He would bring on the pain.  Within the hour I was in excruciating pain, I could hardly walk, and thought I was probably dying.  I had my answer.
We went to the emergency room, where I was hooked up to an IV, tested and medicated heavily pretty quickly.
I was admitted for my "infection" much to my surprise and began intense doses of IV antibiotics and VERY strong pain medication (think hallucinations for days).... NOT fun!
It took about 4 days to get my temperature down... this included being packed with ice packs, but thankfully it did the job.
Now if all this sounds a bit intense for a kidney infection, join the crowd... turns out it wasn't just a kidney infection... I had developed Sepsis.  My  kidney infection had turned septic, meaning the infection was in my blood stream.
The medical statistics of Sepsis are scary to read.  The fatality rate is very high.  Mostly because, being a secondary infection, people think they are treating the primary infection and just need to wait for their medicine to start working.  Unfortunately, much of the time, people get to the hospital too late.
I cannot  tell you how thankful I am that the Lord answered my prayer and sent me to the hospital when He did.  I may not have been here to share this story had He not.
The recovery from Sepsis is not a quick recovery, after a week in the hospital, I came home with more antibiotics and still am having pain in my kidney.  This is expected according to the doctors and I pray I am well on my way to being completely well.
For those who have sent me messages that they have been praying for me.... thank you so much.  It has been a tough few months, but I have not been alone, even when I felt like I was. Your prayers and encouragement have meant so much to Chris and I... please keep them coming! 

 

6 Hours and Fingers Crossed

It's been 6 hours since I had my first B12 shot and what a difference a few hours has made.

The blood work from Friday has shown many things that are off.... however the first hole in the damn that the doctor is treating is my B12 levels.  He told Chris this morning I have the lowest B12 level he has ever seen in his career as a doctor... apparently, it's really low.  Sooo... into the doctor I went for my first shot.  I left super exhausted, dizzy, and totally nauseous.  I left feeling discouraged that with all that is wrong in my blood, they are taking this first step and then seeing what happens.  I feel like my life has a pause button on it, but I am actually watching it all go by from my couch.  I am so tired of feeling sick and just want to be better!!!  I have to admit, I was feeling very skeptical... however... the last few hours have actually made a very big difference.  I am amazed at the life that has returned to my body.  I honestly, at times this weekend, felt like I was dying, like my body was shutting down.  Now, I feel like someone is breathing life into my body.  It's only been a few hours, tomorrow morning will be a huge tell for me when I see if I wake up throwing up, but for now I am feeling encouraged tonight.  I have a clear head, although I have a slight headache, I can walk to the bathroom by myself, I can sit up and be on my lap top, I even walked to the kitchen and opened the fridge... all of these huge for me.

I really want to find out why my body isn't absorbing B12, but even if I have to have these shots for the rest of my life, I will be thankful.  

I was amazed tonight when I went online and read all the facebook prayers and well wishes.  My Mom, my sister, my daughters, my friends.... all posting things and asking for my prayers.  It has been such a blessing tonight to remember my sweet friends in Santa Rosa... many of whom I know would have been here at my side this weekend taking care of me if they could... a bittersweet reminder of my"family" in Sonoma County.  I have been held up in prayer all weekend by my new Chico friends and family and I am so blessed to have that.  Thank you to all who have texted, called, emailed, and Facebooked me and my family.  We still need prayer, I don't believe this is going to a quick fix to figure out how to get all my blood levels where they need to be, but I am encouraged tonight.  

Never underestimate the power of prayer.  I have felt surrounded by love this weekend and I know that prayer is getting me through all this...  well, that and my husband who has become my personal nurse :)  

It feels so good to go to bed tonight with a little hope and encouragement! 

Some Days All You Can Do Is Blog

As I sit here watching one day turn into the next my heart is heavy and overloaded.  Not knowing is the worst part... and yet I will somehow feel so guilty if this turns out to be nothing.

As I shared in my earlier post, I have been sick for over a month now.  Somewhere in the beginning I did have the flu, I must have as I had a high fever, the shakes, chills, aches and icky cough that goes with it.  Many around me had the flu and I was told it was a long one. I was even told people were experiencing sickness up to 2 weeks... so... I thought I would ride it out.  All symptoms slowly went away except one... nausea and vomiting.  I have been doing it every day for almost 5 weeks now.  Some days are better than others.... good days mean I am just sick in the morning and regain a bit of strength in the afternoon and evening... however looking at it, even my "feeling okay" is not what it was a couple months ago.  Bad days, like today, I throw up several times, feel very weak and extremely nauseous most of the day.

I went to the doctor over a week ago and had blood work done.  After persistent calling and the doctors misplacing and then finding my results, the doctor called me today.  He had several results and not a whole lot of answers except to tell me three times in our conversation that I needed to come in TODAY for more blood work... he mentioned that I had anemia... not new news to me... and that my red blood cells, white blood cells and platelet counts are very concerning.  I asked him if it could be something serious and his reply was, yes it could be very serious, but let's take one step at a time.  He believes I am going to need a bone marrow test and then we will go from there.  The thing that freaked me out in the conversation was all that he wasn't saying.  I got the sense that he was holding back, not wanting to scare me, but he was concerned.

Now I started out after this phone call refusing to even look at the internet.... unfortunately, my worrying and curiosity has gotten the best of me.  According to my blood cell counts there are several things this could be... some are treatable with medication and easily taken care of... others take you all the way to the C word.

I am scared... I am beyond exhausted from feeling this cruddy... and I feel crushed in my spirit.  As soon as I got off the phone with my Dr.  my phone sent me my daily verse for the day... "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18

He is near me... during this long weekend as I wait for more information... He is near me... I have no choice but to believe this, although I have constantly confessed my unbelief to Him today... He is near me.  

Of course my mind wants to take me to every horrible place that it can imagine, to keep me prisoner to fear, but I will not be sucked into that because He is near me.  Not only does He hold my health, but He holds my future, He holds my heart that has loved my husband since I was 17, He holds my Mama's heart, and He holds this weekend.  Every slow minute... He holds in His hand.  If I can't entrust the creator of Heaven and earth... the creator of everyone of my blood cells, what can I trust?  

Nothing... only Him... only Him

Taking for Granted

Over the last month I have learned a hard lesson. 

I take.... my health....  for granted!

It's one of those things that you aren't typically thankful for on a daily basis until you don't have it anymore.  Well... I don't have it anymore and would do just about anything at this point to get it back.

For unknown reasons (yes I have gone to the doctor, no they don't have answers yet) I have thrown up every day for over 4 weeks now.  Some days are better than others... some days it's right when I wake up and then I feel okay the rest of the day.  More days are throwing up until early afternoon and then feeling woozy, dizzy and nauseated for the rest of the day.  I don't know why this is happening and discouraging isn't quite a strong enough word for how I am feeling about it at this point. My doctor can't seem to come up with any answers and all the reasons I read about on the internet for chronic nausea and vomiting quite frankly freak me out!   I feel like I can hardly remember what it felt like to feel good all day long and not think about when I would be sick next or what sounds good to eat ( not much...)

Back to my health.  

Being overweight is something I have struggled with for years... I've always been one of those people that get told I have a pretty face, or beautiful eyes... so if I was a walking head... I'd be okay.  Unfortunately there's a lot more to me than just a face.  This last month has really convicted me about taking care of the health I have been given.  I have abused it, and ignored it for far too long, and that needs to change.  Not to be skinny (hey... not that I wouldn't love that) but to take care of something that doesn't last forever.  God has given me one life, with one body... He's entrusted me with it... I need to show that I am trustworthy... that I can do better.

In order for this to happen really regularly, I need to get this current stuff figured out.  Prayer is appreciated... I know God's got this, He created my body and knows what I need... I am trusting in His timing for healing and looking to see what He wants to teach me through this.  It's hard to do some days, to believe God's still got me, that He will never leave me or forsake me... but I know that is the truth.  My  prayer is that when all is said and done, I remember this lesson and make the changes that need to be made.   

Sigh... it is such a  journey isn't it?

Finally 40!

This week I finally turn 40.  I have been waiting to turn 40 for a very long time.  I think  I have been anticipating this coveted age for about 12 years. The reason...? 40 is cool... 40 is grown up... 40 says... "I am woman hear me roar" 40 is no longer young... no one can call me a baby anymore... I mean... I'm gonna be 40 you know?  

Cool people are 40... really cool women are 40.  Women who are 40 seem to have found their voices... they are okay saying no, they say what they want, they know what they want, they don't take crap from no one!  Okay... so maybe I have built this age milestone up in my head just a little bit?  All the same... I can finally say... I'm 40!

On the other hand... I had this thought this morning.  If God gives me 80 years... I am half way done.  That gave me a very sad feeling of being on the back end of something.... like all the fresh, new, first time experiences are behind me... sniff.... sniff..... 

Naaaaaaa!!!! I still get to have Grand-babies!!!!! WOOOHOOOO!!!!!

Okay... all joking aside. I'm turning 40...

So... in the last 40 years, here is a list of my "so far" experiences:

I was born into a family that loved me

I have a Mom and Dad who love me and are proud of me

I have a wonderful sister, and 2 great brothers who supply me with adorable nephews

I have a brother in heaven who is waiting for me

I have been on 5 mission trips to foreign countries

I had a great experience in Junior High and High School with amazing friends

I have fallen in love

I had a beautiful wedding with aforementioned love

I have lived in 3 states (2 of which gave me snow!)

I had 3 beautiful, healthy baby girls

I have served in ministry, full and part time with my husband

I have had some amazing church families

I have been a theater teacher 

I had my very own herd of COWS

I have made Kindred spirit friends that will walk with me into eternity

I have met people whose stories have forever changed my life

I have laughed until I thought I would have a heart attack

I have felt joy straight from heaven

I have cried buckets and buckets of tears

I have felt pain I was sure would kill me

I have prayed for hours... no days...

I have witnessed miracles and

I have walked through valleys, mountain tops and deserts with my Lord

And just think.... this is just the beginning... because after all... I am 40 you know... :)

If it Comes in Threes... I listen

"Be kinder than necessary- for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle"

This is a quote that I have run across 3 times in the last 24 hours.  Once on Facebook, once in an email,  and once on a blog I was reading tonight.  If I come across something twice I tend to think it's a coincidence, but when I hear something 3 times in 24 hours from different places, I stop to think about it., ponder it, and ask what's in it that I need to hear.  

Okay... ugly honest here... when I first read it my instant reaction... "yeah whatever".  Second time... "you have got to be kidding me, no one has battles unseen like I do..." and third time..."okay Lord, I'm listening."

You see, this week I have been on the fence with the whole Facebook thing again.  Keep it, or shut it down.... I have always kind of  been the person that tends to think the whole world has it easier, better, and less complicated than I do.... I know.... blah, blah, blah... cry me a river... Hey... I said ugly honest! And...  Facebook tends to affirm that.  Everyone is so stinking happy, has perfect kids, makes beautiful memories all the time, is always in love with their spouses, going on vacations, looking adorable, and pretty much living perfect lives that mine can just never come close to being like.  Bottom line, I can get VERY depressed when I'm on Facebook.  So... I go through this ever so often when I think... okay... I'm done.  My heart just can't take it... this isn't good for me.

Grant it, there are times when I read things on Facebook, tragedies usually, that make me overwhelmingly grateful for everything in my life.  Unfortunately, I tend to lean towards seeing what everyone has going for them and where I feel like I fall so short.

Have you ever noticed that when the comparison games start, we always compare up?  The person that went on a vacation we can never afford, the parents who can give their kids things I can't give mine, the home someone has that I will never come close to having.  We don't usually think about the people who have less than us and are thinking the same thing about my life... wishing for it... or should I say, coveting it.   If that was my mind set, I would be a lot more grateful than I am.

Okay... back to the quote... (btw, I have no idea who said it... none of my sources actually put who it was by... they may be a whackadoodle for all I know... but I still believe there's some truth here.)

Everyone is fighting some kind of battle.  I think this is true.  Some hide it better, maybe even using tools like Facebook to hide the battles, some have hurts that they have no idea how to put into words, something wrong but what is it?  Not everyone is comfortable with the level of "sharing" that I am... just because they don't put it out there, doesn't mean they aren't hurting and struggling.  Honestly, I wish people would be more up front with the battles in their lives as much as they are about the victories... I think it would help people to feel a bit less isolated and alone in their "stuff" knowing they aren't alone.  I'm not saying FB is where that should necessarily happen... and  Hey... don't get me wrong... I know it's vulnerable.  Do you know how many sentences in this blog post alone I have taken out or re-edited?

I will say this... I have lived both ways... open and honest and alone and isolated.  I will always fight for open and honest.  And, in my journey towards connection I will remember that everyone has their battles, their Everests to climb ... and I need to offer up more kindness and more empathy.   Oh... and for now... stay on Facebook.

Hope in Darkness

A PRAYER BY MAX LUCADO 12-15-2012

"Dear Jesus,

It's a good thing you were born at night. This world sure seems dark. I have a good eye for silver linings. But they seem dimmer lately.

These killings, Lord. These children, Lord. Innocence violated. Raw evil demonstrated.

The whole world seems on edge. Trigger-happy. Ticked off. We hear threats of chemical weapons and nuclear bombs. Are we one button-push awa

y from annihilation?

Your world seems a bit darker this Christmas. But you were born in the dark, right? You came at night. The shepherds were nightshift workers. The Wise Men followed a star. Your first cries were heard in the shadows. To see your face, Mary and Joseph needed a candle flame. It was dark. Dark with Herod's jealousy. Dark with Roman oppression. Dark with poverty. Dark with violence.

Herod went on a rampage, killing babies. Joseph took you and your mom into Egypt. You were an immigrant before you were a Nazarene.

Oh, Lord Jesus, you entered the dark world of your day. Won't you enter ours? We are weary of bloodshed. We, like the wise men, are looking for a star. We, like the shepherds, are kneeling at a manger.

This Christmas, we ask you, heal us, help us, be born anew in us.

Hopefully,

Your Children"

There have been many things posted on Facebook in the last 24 hours.  There are parents who are grieving with the families in Connecticut, there is a huge debate regarding gun control, for and against;  there are people asking how evil things are allowed to happen... so much being said.  This prayer by author Max Lucado has been the best thing I have read, a check back into reality from this nightmare our country is in.  In the midst of darkness our God IS here.  Jesus began his human journey born into a time when evil was the norm.  When King Herod, in an attempt to murder the Messiah ordered all baby boys murdered.  Hundreds, maybe thousands of babies murdered in their Mothers arms because of evil.  Darkness is here, but so is hope.

I often realize that my vision of the manger scene includes Frank Sinatra's version of "Silent Night".  Not exactly how it happened.  Darkness and fear were all around that night.  Shepherds were heralded by angels and they were "so afraid".  Joseph and Mary were alone, scared... Mary was 13... my Abbeys age.  This was not a covered-in-glitter-with-Christmas-music-playing moment.  It was however, filled with hope and joy.  When the Shepherds found the baby, when the Wisemen worshiped, as Mary and Joseph looked into the scrunched up face of their new baby boy, knowing this was also their Savior.  Jesus was there in the midst of darkness.  

So when my girls ask me like they did yesterday... how does God let this happen?  How do I answer them?  Until heaven, God's perfect love lives in us while we live in a world filled with evil.  We are in a battle... it would seem that the enemy gained ground yesterday.  That is not the end of the story.  The victory will be won, yesterday will be set right.  In Satan's attempt at spreading evil he succeeded in adding 20 little souls to the hosts of heaven.  The pain and evil that the families are left to deal with is excruciating.  Darkness is here... but so is hope... this will be set right one day... the battle is not over. Darkness is here, but so is the King of Kings, the hope that is all I can cling to.

Happy Birthday Wendy!

I was just getting ready to post a Happy Birthday message to one of my best friends in the world and decided that a Facebook Status just didn't give me enough room... I needed more space.  So, here I am... at 12:30am with plenty of space at 4 Drama Girls and a Daddy :)

I met Wendy, in person, January of 2001.  Unbeknownst to me at the time I had actually met her via email when I had sent an email to the MOPS group in Santa Rosa while we lived in Napa.  I had poured out my "lonely Mama of three girls under the age of 2 and needs some girl time" story to a strange email address on the website and Wendy was the one who had responded.  This, we actually didn't figure out until a few months into our friendship.

When I first met Wendy she told me I smelled good.  I was filling out my registration at the MOPS group (for those who don't know, MOPS stands for Mothers Of Preschoolers) and she randomly told me I smelled good.  We shared the same love of Sunflowers perfume.

Some how Wendy and I got together for a play date with our kids.  Hers were 9, 7, 5 and almost 3.  The twins were almost 4 and Abbey was 2.   I knew right away Wendy was someone I could be good friends with.

First of all, we parented very similarly... something that makes a friendship with small kids a bit easier.  We had a lot of same interests, although she informed me early on that  she was NOT a crafter... and Wendy... well... Wendy made me smile.  She laughed at my sense of humor all the time.  The first few play dates we had, I seriously had thoughts of being a stand up comic, she made me feel like I was hilarious.  To this day, I love to make Wendy laugh, and we have had plenty of that in our friendship.

Before long, we talked on the phone every day and hung out as much as we could.  Within a year we were camping and traveling with our families and our girls were best friends.  Her house was like home to me unlike any friend I had ever had.

We have been through a lot together.  Summers at Wrights Lake, Winters in Tahoe, laughing so hard in the movie theaters we pee our pants(almost), Halloweens with our kids dressed up, Christmas Eves, Trunk or Treats, July 4th BBQ's and fireworks that night,  Sports Camps, 2 surgeries, a few trips to the emergency rooms, tough times with our marriages, tough times with our kids, job losses, new jobs, new seasons of life, more Nerts and Speed than you can imagine, weight losses, weight gains, Black Fridays, Chili's for dinner and lunch (thus the whole weight loss and gain thing) tears, laughter, and to top it off... a few farts along the way.

She has been my friend through some of the darkest valleys of my life, she has cleaned my house, done my laundry and held my hand.  I will never be able to live up to the bar she has set for friendship.

One of the hardest parts of leaving Santa Rosa was my friend.  I have shed many tears in the last 18 months over Wendy.  I miss our everyday life together.  I miss a friend who gets me... all of me.  Who knows me almost as well as my husband does.  I miss the laughter.  I miss seeing her kids growing into adults... I just miss her.

Wendy's birthday is December 11th... it's taken me years not to think it's the 13th or 15th.  How I was given the blessing of being her best friend, I will never know... I feel very undeserving of it. 

I hope she knows how much she means to me.  I hope she knows I am NEVER going anywhere.  I hope she knows she is a once in a lifetime friend, and I hope, Wendy, you know how much I love you!

December 7th... It's been 29 years...

Sometimes things happen in your life that change it forever.  I'm not talking about changes that tweak your path, but the ones that pick you up from one road and place you on an entirely different one. 

 

December 7th is one of those days.  For some who don't know my entire family history, 29 years ago today my 6 year old brother Michael went ahead of our family to be with Jesus.  After a painful struggle with bone cancer, on a Wednesday night, with my Dad praying over him, and my Mom and I there as well, he took his last struggling breath and was, I believe, carried away to heaven in the arms of Jesus.

Several things I remember clearly about that night.

I remember his last breath and the silence that followed.  My Dad looked up and said, "He's gone..."

I remember the tears that started all throughout our house and my Mom telling us to keep our voices down because the doctor had told her that a persons hearing is the last thing to go. (Maybe in the medical world, but in my world, I believe it was a swift lift into eternity.)

I remember our pastor reading us scripture about death.

I remember my Mom hugging my brother because she had not been able to hold him tightly for some time.

I remember laying on our friend Brenda's lap while she played with my hair.

I remember Michael's body being removed from our home.

And, I remember that after I went to bed that night, I woke up all night, crawled to the end of my bed to look across the hall into Michael's room to see if it was all just a bad dream.

My parents had been through a tough fight with this disease that took my little brother... and now it was over.

For me, there was a sense of feeling very lost.  For a long time our family was defined by our having a terminally ill child in it and all that it entails.  It felt like, "okay... now what do we do, and who are we?"  We don't have trips to Portland to make, no more of my Mom being gone all the time.  No medical paraphernalia to fill our house with.  What happens next?

This is where the path change happened.

  

Within a couple years, we had moved to California.  We left what felt like our entire support system behind and moved to a town I had never heard of, to a bunch of people who didn't know what we had been through.

Our family had been girl, boy, girl... Laura, Michael and Amanda.

Now it would be girl, girl, boy, boy.... Laura, Amanda, Darren and David.

To the heart of a young girl this is a lot to take in during those early years of tweendom and teenage years.  Lost actually doesn't begin to cover all the things I felt during this time.  

However, 29 years later, I have a different perspective on the path that was changed for us.  

Because of Michael's death we moved to California and gained an entire new community of friends.  These are the friends I went through Jr. High and High school with.  This was the community that I found my husband in, got married, and had 3 girls in.  This is where my sister grew up and had her sweet little Lucas.

Because of Michael's death, my parents decided to have more children.  Darren and David would not be a part of our family had Michael not died.  My sister in laws Holly and Sarah would be strangers to us, and my nephews DJ, Jared and Jax would not be.

Even though Michael was taken, much has been given since.  The memories I have of my brother are written on my heart along with another life that would have been much different.

I am so thankful for the life that God brought out of that tragedy... for the lives that exist today.  

Someday, my brother will meet all this nieces and nephews and the two brothers he never knew.  Someday, eternity will hold my entire family in it's hands, we will all be reunited.  This journey here will be just a small blip in time.  Until then I am grateful for the path that God gave our family and people and places it has taken me.  I am grateful for the 6 years He gave us with Michael and I am thankful that I have a brother waiting for me in heaven.   

Sometimes life changes and it's easy to see in the moment all that we have lost,  but we must always remember that our Father in heaven has good things for us.  We are safe on His path for us.  We can trust that path, even in the dark valleys.  Beauty from Ashes... that's part of His promise.

Sister Love

Olivia went grocery shopping with me tonight... I truly despise grocery shopping, especially when I am tired and it needs to be done.  I almost always take one of my girls, tonight it was Olivia.
As we were walking through our last stop at Safeway we were talking about her relationship with Makayla and she told me I didn't understand how much she loved Makayla, how Makayla feels like her "other half" at times... she said, "Mom... you don't Understand..." 
I looked over at her after a long pause... she had tears in her eyes and kind of chuckled.  Not looking at me she said, "Mom, don't look at me or I will just start crying right here."
I asked her, "what is it Livie?"
To which she replied, "You just don't understand Mom... I don't know what I would do without Makayla, I love her so much, thinking about something happening to her... I just don't know how I would go on..."
Yes my sweet girl, I understand that feeling very much.

Not a God of Confusion

My Mom has told me, since I was young, that when something seems confusing or clouded I should always remember that the Lord is not the author of confusion.  There have been days in my life when knowing this has been an anchor to what's real, an anchor to knowing Truth from lies.
Today has been one of those days.

Most of my close friends and family know that since Abbey was born, I have struggled with depression.  It started about 3 weeks after she was born and I fought all advice to call my doctor.  Still to this day, I wonder about this.  It seems to be very common in people who struggle with depression, this lack of desire to seek any medical help.  Maybe it's embarrassing,  maybe it's pride; for me, I think it was shame... depression makes me feel so broken.  I felt like a spiritual failure to allow this dark enemy to overtake me. I thought it was because I was giving into it, or that I just wasn't choosing to keep my mind on the right things.

Eventually I did go see my doctor and she put me on antidepressants to help me "get through" the darkness.
Looking back on that time, I see it as difficult, but I also remember it as a time when I felt so loved by my friends at church.  I had friends bring me meals, clean my house, play with the twins, or just come and sit with me during the day.  When I think back on it, I see a picture of Jesus letting me know there was no reason to feel shame by sending me angels to love on me in the exact ways I needed it.

This post-baby depression ended up being something that stuck with me.  Although I have attempted to wean myself from my medication a few times over the years, for the most part, I have been on them for 13 years.  I have been prayed over, prayed for, and in the low times, have begged God to take it from me; so far that has not happened.  

Until the move to Chico, the struggle with depression has not been too difficult.  Sure every once in a while I had to have a slight tweak or a small change; but, for the most part... it really hasn't been too bad.  Until this year that is.

When you go in to have an evaluation done for depression they ask a series of questions, almost rating what your stress level is.  There are certain stressers in life that are high scorers ( some even "good" things)  They include marriage, death, divorce, new baby, new job, new move, new home, loss of job ect.  In the last 18 months we have had multiple things from this category in our life.  We both lost our jobs, moved to a new community, started new jobs, started homeschooling and those are just the biggies.

Please, don't hear me crying a river here... I know this happens to people ALL THE TIME.  This is life... it just affects someone with depression differently than the average person.  All of a sudden a brain that had found a rhythm and balance is on overload and that can lead to full blown depression.

So... I have found myself, after quite sometime of seemingly having this thing figured out, struggling once again.  I know it has to do with all the change from the last year, all the new and different that has been thrown at Chris, myself, and the girls... some days it's extremely overwhelming and at times even paralyzing.  I haven't figured out where these dark days come from although I do have an idea.

As one such day swept in on me today I have found myself once again clinging to the anchor my Mom gave me years ago.  I have struggled today with understanding it all.  Why is this happening again?  Haven't I been trying to be around people enough?  I am in a bible study now aren't I?  Church has been wonderful, great worship, great messages, spirit filled... check, check, check.  It just doesn't make sense....

Then out of this raging storm I sea the anchor go sailing into the air, sink to the bottom and grab tight to the rock.  God is not the author of confusion... quit asking all these things and ride out the storm.  

Truth is... He calms my seas.
Truth is... He has never left me or forsaken me.
Truth is... it's okay to not feel okay today.
Truth is... I am not alone
Truth is... today... I am clinging to these truths.

1 Corinthians 14:33
For God is not a God of confusion but of peace

Hebrews 13:5b
For He has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” 

Psalm 18:6
In my distress I called upon the LORD; to my God I cried for help. From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ears.

For the Love of Weather

The weather has finally changed here in Chico; home of the heat stroke, sun burn and sun poisoning!   I think I have just lived through the longest stretch of hot weather I have ever experienced in my life.  Although this might be slightly exaggerated, it feels as if it's been in the 90's since April.  

When we lived up in the Northwest, close to Seattle, I had never met people who were as excited when the sun peaked through than those Northwesterners.  True Sun Worship at it's finest.  If it was 60 degrees but sunny, the swim suits and flip flops came out!

Chico seems to be opposite.  I don't think I have ever been a part of a community more excited for rain and cold weather.  The last two days have been over cast with sprinkles and we have even had "Tornado Warnings!"  Let me just put it out there that the "Tornado" clouds I saw looked more like vertical clouds than Tornados, but by all means... send out the weather warnings!  Yesterday, as I was running errands I saw about 6 women dressed in jeans, uggs, sweaters and scarves... we're talking shopping in New York City in the middle of winter outfits.  It was 67 degrees... with no precipitation!  

These people  are naming it and claiming it!  We skipped right through Autumn and went straight to Minnesota winters! I can personally tell you of about 8 people who "wore cozy socks and drank hot chocolate" in the last couple of days.  How do I know this?  Their facebook status' tell me so!  These Chicoans are hard core about getting their winter on!

And I couldn't agree more.  

If sending my children in the back yard to do the Indian rain dance would keep this weather around, they'd be out there sporting their deer skins. 

We have a fire in the wood stove, hot chocolate with mounds of whip cream, soup for lunch and 4 pairs of fuzzy socks on.  We completely embrace the winter crazies.

Tomorrows forecast.... clear, sunny and 70... oh well... we will take it while it lasts!